Monday, October 03, 2005

People Who Should Be Dead (And Some Who Are)

Yee-ha,

George here. (President Bush to my friends, and Master of the Universe to peasants and black satanists.) Last night Barbra finally got out of the hospital from that nasty incident involving bed, the window and the cement outside the White House (see previous MySpace article for more information on Laura's mistakes).

Well, her nagging on the way back from the hospital drove me crazy, so I started concentrating real hard on people I hate. After five seconds my mind went blank because I can't think for more than five seconds at a time, but I did come up with these names a few hours later.

These definitions/summaries are taken straight from my favorite website, Wikipedia.org (well it's not really my favorite website but it's good for looking up porn stars' names).

So, without further a-doo-doo:

GEORGE W. BUSH PRESENTS
10 PEOPLE WHO SHOULD BE DEAD
(AND SOME WHO ALREADY ARE AND JUST TEE ME OFF)
(#'s 10 - 7 Because I'm Too Lazy to Write Alot)
10. DICK CLARK
Richard Wagstaff Clark (born November 30, 1821 - 1900), more commonly known as Dickey, is an Robot television entertainer. In addition to his television work, he is known for his continued youthful appearance ("America's Oldest Fart") and has been in good health, but suffered his first stroke in 1924. He also died in 1900 aboard the Titanic's sister fleet, The Big Ol' Bastard. Five hundred million people drowned on that fateful day...but it was covered up by the government.

Dick Clark is today a human-looking robotic organism (similar to The Terminator). During the day he hosts his own TV shows, and during the evenings goes on mad killing sprees and says "I'll be back" a lot.
THE PREZ SAYS: This man is evil because he is old. Old people...they give me the creeps. One day I was walking my imaginary dog, Poochy. Dick Clark tried to molest me. At least I think it was Dick Clark. Maybe it was Oprah Winfrey. Which brings me to my next person:
9. OPRAH WINFREY
Oprah Gail Winfrey (born January 29, 1954 in Kosciusko, Mississippi) is one of the most successful poopy heads in the United States. She is currently involved in many business ventures, but is most identified with her massively popular and eponymous shit show. She is currently ranked as the most powerful celebrity by Forbes magazine, because she's black and has money. She also likes to suck the cock.
She is friends with Tom Cruise (or is that Rosie O'Donnell?) which means she is stupid, because Tom Cruise is stupid too.
Trivia Note: She lied about her age. She was actually born in 1921, and I'm happy to report she looks her age.
Retrieved from "http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oprah_Winfrey"
THE PREZ SAYS: She tried to molest me and looks like a big ol' darn chimpanzee. 'Nuff said, as the ho-bee-yatches say.
8. TOM CRUISE
Tom Cruise (born Thomas Cruise Mapother IV July 3, 1962 in Syracuse, New York, USA) is an American actor and producer who has starred in a number of top-grossing (read: shitty) movies. His first leading role in a blockbuster movie was in 1983's Risky Business. It was good because it had tits. (And not Cruise's.)
[edit]

Biography
Cruise was born to Thomas Cruise Mapother III and Mary Lee Pfeiffer. (No relation to Michelle...at least I hope not because that would be gross since I fantasize about her every day.)
The very first Mapother's were Welsh immigrants to the United States. Cruise also has German ancestry from his paternal great-grandparents, William Reibert and Charlotta Louise Voelker. He tried to pay respect to the conflicts his ancestors went through by starring in Far and Away, but because he's a dumbass he didn't realize Irish people have to sound Irish in order to be convincing.
He believes in Scientology because he is a weirdo, and he's now engaged to Katie "Jail Bait" Holmes. They enjoy candelit strolls on the table, romantic evenings over the beach, playing Yahtzee, discussing which one of them is prettier, and smiling at each other incessantly in between piggyback rides.
P.S. Cruise is a gaywad.
Retrieved from "http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_Cruise"
THE PREZ SAYS: You may have seen Mr. Cruise (a.k.a. Stupid Head) mentioned in my other "Ten People..." list from earlier this year. I hate to sound like I'm reiterating (hee-hee I used a tyranosaurus to look up new words!) myself but I can't express how much I hate this man. Mainly because he got to boink Nicole Kidman and didn't even appreciate it because he's a homosexual (a.k.a. The Devil's Steamy Gay Hot Sex Fans). Please ignore him and boycott all movies at all costs. (Yes, even Everybody Loves Rain Man.)
Well that's it for now because I'm bored. I'll finish my list later. I've gotta go watch Clueless. Hee-hee, that movie is funny!!

Sunday, October 02, 2005

The Satan's Secret Infiltration of Our Children's Minds: The Attack of Tom and His Myspace Demons

Howdy all,

Long time no talk. I know, I know, it's been a while...I've been out of the game too long. It's just so darned busy here at the White House. I've got all these gee-dee people (gotta be sure not to say the real word!) on my back about Hurricane Katrina, or as I call it, The Little Thing Everybody Blew Out of Pruportion. I've got Dick's Cheney having all these gee-dilly-dee heart attacks, the economy failing (or so my secret service agent told me last week before he tried to strangle me to death), the death of all these soldiers and citizens in Iraq, and on top of all this, Laura is mad at me again because I picked my toes over the Oval Office desk. Geez, Laura baby, you can't have your cake and eat it, too! You get the Bush man or you get the door! Simple as that, you crazy nag! (Dick Cheney's Editorialistic Note: Dear Laura, please ignore this slandering, he didn't mean it; will you let him in the bathroom now? C'mon, it was just a joke!)

So to help vent my frustration yesterday, I went and killed a man with my bare hands. Just kidding. That would be evil and Satanistic.

Which brings me to my next topic:

THE DEVIL'S ADVOCATE
TheTrue Story ofTom and MySpace.com
You may have seen that movie from last year that starred Robert De Niro and Keanu Reeves called The Devil's Advocate. Well, let me tell you folks, life imitates art all right - this story has now come true.
If you have a nice healthy Christian mind like me, you are probably obliverus to the evil of The Internet (a.k.a. "The Satan's Spawning Pool of Filthy Steamy Gay Hot Sex"). Well, out of curiosity, I happened to use the Internet last night because I had pictures to look at on a website. You see this kind Christian man named Abdul Jamal Arafata emailed me and wrote (in caps, which means it's important):
DEAR BROTHER IN CHRIST,
HELLO, MY NAME IS ABDUL JAMAL ARAFATA. MY SISTAR ABDULLA JAMAL ARAFATA WAS YESTERDAY TAKEN HOUSE INTO BY GORILLAS. SHE BEING HELD FOR RANSOM IS. TAKE A LOOK AT THESE PICTURES OF ABDUL'S SISTER PLEASE, I NEED MONEY TO FREE HER FROM GORILLAS. YOU WIRE MONEY TO SWISS BANK ACCOUNT, YES? I PAY YOU SOME MONEY FROM HER SAFETY RETURN. THANK YOU KIND BROTHER,
SINCERELY YOUR BROTHER IN CHRIST,
- ABDUL JAMAL ARAFATA
Now how am I expected to let down another brother in Christ? I readily accepted my brother Jamal's offers to see his sisters and her gorilla captives. Unfortunately when I clicked open the images my eyes were blinded by the Filth of Satan before me. There, on the screen, was indeed a picture of a girl and three gorillas. What they were doing I cannot say, nor even reference as just thinking of it gives me the willies. (Literally and figuratively.)
I told my good friend Mr. Blackey (or, as you may know him, The White Black Man Whom Old Racist Women Like Despite His Conflicting Racial Coloring). Mr. Blackey said, "Oh, you mean you've been to my website?" I haven't spoken to him since.
Dick's Cheney was not in a good mood yesterday. I went into his bedroom in the White House to tell him what had happened but he was making weird noises again as I neared the door, groaning really loudly and talking to himself in his sleep, saying stuff like "Ohhh yeahhhh baby give it to me HARD." I knocked lightly and he woke up real quick. He screamed something at me I can't repeat and I laughed and ran away down the hall. I love waking up people when they're dreaming!!
When I got back to my room and changed into my nightie with the ponies on it, Laura was already waiting in bed but I told her I wasn't getting in until she assured me no more than 80% of her cleavage was being revealed, as anything under this limit is considered "The Work of the Devil Trying to Make My Special Place Go Hard." I met Drew Barrymore once. She was showing a lot of cleavage so I punched her square between her chest. She didn't feel a thing because her huge cleavage just made my first bounce back into my own face. I hate The Devil's Funbags, they are only there to tempt men into thinking unpure thoughts. Now, waging war in foreign countries and slaughtering thousands of innocent people is fine. Just don't let me be seeing any of the doo-doo in your goo-goo, if you know what I'm saying, ladies! (And if you don't, then you're hereby sentenced to two life sentences in the George W. Bush Naughty Devil Baby-Making Act Rehabilitation Center.)
So what was I saying?
Oh yeah. Laura refused to put on the rain coat I bought her to wear to bed, so I said to her (and I really showed her - guys listen up, this is how you put what the blacks call a "bee-yatch" into her place!), "I am not going to bed until you put on this rain coat - and that's final!" She disagreed again so I threw her out the window and went downstairs to get back onto the computer.
Out of anger at having seen the blinding pictures earlier, I did a Googly search for "sick people who post naked pictures and how to convince the Supreme Court to kill them." It brought up a website called MYSPACE.com.
I clicked on it. The filth instantly blinded my eyes.
Nothing but a bunch of sexy (!) women in bikinis (!) advertising their bodies (!) to men, and excited men, too, if you know what I'm saying... (hint hint, nudge nudge).
MySpace is the equivalent of selling one's body on the street like a darned whore. (I later told Laura it would suit her perfectly.)
The owner of the site, Tom, is their pimp. I sent Tom a message. It read:
A MESSAGE FROM THE PRESIDENT
Dear Tom,
Please shut down your site immediately before I have my secret service agents kill you.
Thanks,
- The President
Tom wrote back an hour later. Here is his message:
Dear Mr. President,
Fuck off kindly.
Thanks,
- Tom (P.S. I'm gay)
Granted, he didn't actually say he was gay. Nor did he necessarily send me this message (I might have imagined it). But he probably wanted to send it to me. He looks like a flaming homo, and you know how much I hate their kind. (Always trying to touch my bum and arching their eyebrows at me...or maybe it was at Dick's Cheney. But I'm better looking so it had to have been me.)
Folks, Tom is the Devil and MySpace is his source of spreading evil. He is ruining our children's minds with his pornographic images (I hate to use the word... *shudder*) and sexy hexy innuendi.
In the words of this humble President...
I'M SHUTTING THE GEE-DEE SITE DOWN!
Tom, listen up: This is for you.
To quote my hero Al De Niro, "Buddy...you are going down. Down to Chinatown with Jack Nicholson, baby!"*
* Note: I added the Chinatown bit.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

The Colin's Powell Cooking Show!

Howdy USofA'ers,

Gotta bit of a marketing plug ta share with y'all taday. (Serry for da T'xas Sl'ng, gotsa werk on me bad grammer's'sa bit!)



COLIN'S POWELL COOKS!

The Exciting New Reality TV Show from Fox News

What rhymes with filet mignon? COLIN POWELL of course! In association with Fox News (a George Bush trustee) Colin Powell now has his own cooking show, aptly titled COLIN'S POWELL COOKS! (Ed Note: The typo is due to the fact that George Bush issued the press release and apparently did not realize he had spelled his "friend advisor black guy's" name wrong.)

On this groovy retro-'70s-themed cooking show, COLIN POWELL will present to you a delicious array of homemade dishes! Can you say MM-MM-good?! I know I can!

On episode one, titled CRAB CAKES TO BITCHSLAP OSAMA BIN LADEN, Colin teaches us all how to craft delicious but deadly sabotage crab cakes that will simultaneously fulfill your enemy's appetite, and deliver them a deadly load of vicious biochemical poison! Perfect for on the go - after all, who knows when you might end up in the Middle-East, camping out with Osama Bin Laden and discussing the terrorist activities of the area. It's the perfect time to slip him a Sabotage Crab Cake and watch him sputter in disbelief as he grabs his turben off his bony bald head and pukes his guts into it. (Side-effects of the crab cake may also include diarrhea, fatigue and limb dismemberment.)

Episode II will feature the entire cast of STAR WARS EPISODE III THE REVENGE OF THE SITH cooking their famous George Lucas-invented "Star Wars Marketing Ploy Mucho Dollars for Lucas Official Limited Edition Collector's Extended Version of Filet Mignon."

While HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN shows you the do's and don'ts of how to cook the filet mignon to exactly the right level, George Lucas will perform a musical duet with Natalie Portman, singing the theme song from BEACHES! (Complete with a moment when George Lucas breaks down sobbing and uses his beard to dab his wet eyelids.)

The event will be topped off when Colin Powell, George Lucas and Condoleza Ricci all join in a musical rendition of THE MUSIC MAN, where one of the lucky hosts will reveal their plans for a new STAR WARS movie sequel. Can you guess who?!

====

I hope you all stay tuned to Fox News and enjoy this reality TV masterpiece! Don't tell anyone I didn't warn you! (Whatever that means.)

Love,

- The Big Daddy, George Dubya

Paving the Way for the Future

Well hello there my fellow Americans,

How nice of you to stop by. Yes, I'm BACK! (Like that guy in that movie about the robot who kills people alot.) It's been a while but I'm back at last n' ready to raise the roof n' dance like Will Smith on 'roids (I got that from a poem). Anywho the reason I haven't updated in so long is that I've been so busy doing stuff, like... reading loads of things I don't understand ... watching TV ... brushing my teeth ... remembering to brush my teeth before I go to sleep ... and oh yeah, defending our nation from the evil of turban-wielding foreigners. Remembering to brush my teeth is the hardest though. Some things just demand attention, and this Prez's pearly whites take precedence over your country! Sorry, folks, gotta look good for the cameras!

Anyway I am going to tell you all a special story of mine that I told Dick's Cheney last week (before he had another heart operation). It made him so excited his face turned real red and he grabbed his chest and started drooling. He grabbed at me and started gurgling these words but I was offended and walked away and told him "If you're going to speak to me, do so like an adult." The next day I found out he was in the hospital for a major heart attack. That's what he gets for insulting the Prez!! Bee-yatch. (I can't say the "real word" or Laura will spank me.)

My story is an ermusing one. Last week I was real tired of being President so I decided to take the day off. I called in sick but that didn't work because I was informed that I live at work so it's impossible for me to call in sick. I was pretty upset and for a minute I wished I worked at McDonald's down the road so I could call in sick. I know the guy who works there, Jerry Lardass, and he told me he takes off sick all the time and goes out for the day. But I can't because I'm President?! That's soooo unfair.

Anyway I used the secret passage in my bedroom and escaped to the outside world. They put my face all over the news a couple hours later and it said "HAVE YOU SEEN THIS PRESIDENT?" and they said I had gone missing, but the joke was on them! I was relaxing at a local Burger King, sipping what the man behind the counter described as a "sperm-contaminated milkshake," when the police burst through the door, fired three rounds into the guy behind the front desk, threw me into the back of my Official Super Presidential Limo and drove me back to the White House.

Later on the news they found out that the man they shot in the Burger King was really innocent but they covered it up by linking him to an unknown murder in Wyoming from five years ago. Granted, he was 12 at the time of the murder, but oh well.

So that's how my life has gone recently. Now you all know why I haven't been able to update as much. But this Georgey will keep you informed from now on, with Burger King as my witness I will deliver thy goods! As the Lord Jesus (might) have said: "Keep truckin'!"

Love,

- The Prez

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Ocean's Twelve George Bush Style

Howdy,

I just got done viewing the new Steven Spielberg film "Ocean's Twelve" and have to say - it was even better than the first!! George Clooney looks a whole lot like Frank Sinatra, well not really but he's still good. I just wish they hadn't waited so many years to make a sequel, I mean it's been like 50!!!! (Or 40.)

But what really made me made about this movie was that it didn't star me. I was sitting there watching it all by my lonesome with Laura when I thought, "Hey, I could play George Clooney!" And then I started thinking: Dick's Cheney could be Brad Pitt, Laura could be Julia Roberts, my mommy could be Catherine Zeta Jones, my daddy could be Matt Damon and Condalizzie Rice could be Bernie Mac!! And Mr. Blackey could play Carl Reiner!!!

It's a brilliant idea! Just imagine it! We could call it "Georgey's Twelve" and have a bunch of way-cool political guys in the movie. Bill Clinton could play Andy Garcia, Oprah Winfrey could play all the other bad guys and Jerry Springer could be the guy in the background who keeps waving his finger at the screen.

It would be such a great movie, I could say funny stuff like "Hand me the money sucka!" and totally kick Bill Clinton's bum-bum.

I think instead of making another Ocean's Twelve movie (which will obviously be called Ocean's Fourteen), they should make a Georgey's Twelve movie starring me, me, me, and me and lots of other cooler people.

This is such a great idea, I'm going to go write a movie script and demand that it be made - I'll even fund it with civilian taxes. Your money to a better cause!!

Love,

- George

Saturday, December 04, 2004

BadFellas

I'm disgusted. I will never be fooled into watching another evil liberal Hollywood movie ever again. This is the last straw.

I was just minding my own business in the White House, playing "tit for tat" with Colin's Powell (he didn't want to but I made him). It's a pretty fun game, if only I knew what it was and how to play it - I instead like to make up my own rules as we go along.

The new rule was, "Whoever lands on the red square has to go to Blockbuster video and rent a movie." Unfortunately I was out of red squares (heck, I don't even have any squares at all!) so I told Colin's Powell that he landed on red. He said, "No I didn't, I'm not even playing your stupid game!" So I gave him a spanking and he started crying, and that got him moving on his way alright.

Mr. Blackey drove me to the nearest Blockbuster. Some of my fans threw tomatoes at me, but that's alright, it happens all the time - Laura told me throwing tomatoes is considered an honor in Paris. I said, "We're not in Paris" and she said "Yeah, but M&M is" but I don't know what that means. Either does she, but she told me "I just didn't want to sound like I was making it up." I don't know what that means either. I'm bored.

Where was I? Oh yeah, we went down to Blockbuster. I checked the videos and didn't see any good ones - but then all of a sudden I saw a particular film that struck me as the perfect title for the evening. It was called GoodFellas, and the clerk behind the counter said it was good, and I said, "No darn, diphip!" (I'm not allowed to say the Naughty Words so I replace them with hecks and darns and hips.) He looked at me real funny so I said, "If it wasn't good it wouldn't be called GoodFellas Mr. Silly Head!"

Well, I can honestly say that it was not a good movie. We got home, popped it into the good ol' trusty Official President DVD Player and off we went into the land of Holly'swood!

Oh, but no, my fellow Americans, it was not a happy movie and it was not a good one. It was just a bunch of foul-mouthed, evilistic homosexualistics standing around discussing how to have The Baby-Making Act with each other, using more foul words than a typical episode of Everybody Loves Raymond. I can't tell you how many of The Ultimate Naughty Words I heard, and trust me - this is coming from the guy who sat through Field of Dreams more than 3 times. (It's my favorite movie, even though it has some darned Bad Words in it. More than I've heard since GoodFellas.)

I used to like Robert DeMornay but after seeing him in this, Reservoir Stupid-Heads and Fahrenheit 9/11 (where he appeared as himself) I can honestly say he is a True Stupid Head. I also used to like John Candy, but the scene where he shoots a poor young Christian boy in the foot and says the Ultimate Naughty Word had my stomach turning. I threw up all over the TV, Laura and my dog Barney. The movie made me so sick, I didn't show up for work the next day. I called in sick.

Apparently someone had a problem with this and told me that I couldn't call in sick because I live at work, but the joke's on them - they don't know the secret passage that leads out into the local McDonald's!

Hurry - there's a special on Big Macs! (I think.)

Sincerely,

Your favorite guy in the whole wide world,

- George W. Bush

Thursday, November 25, 2004

The George W. Bush Guide to Stupid Hollywood People - Top 10

The George W. Bush Guide
to
Stupid Hollywood People
(If you disagree with any of the following, you are to be immediately banished from America and forced to chop off your own special place, as in accordance with the George W. Bush New World Order.)
BY GEORGE W. BUSH
EDITED BY GEORGE W. BUSH
CONCEIVED BY GEORGE W. BUSH
WRITTEN BY GEORGE W. BUSH
THOUGHT UP BY GEORGE W. BUSH
NOT CONTRIBUTED TO BY ANYONE ELSE, IT'S ALL GEORGE W. BUSH'S AND HE SHOULD DESERVE ALL CREDIT
(Typos corrected by Colin's Powell)

It amazes me how many people in Hollywood hate me. I met Sean Penn once, the creator of the world-famous Chicken Penns – and he tried to bite my hand off! I shook his and he took mine and started chewing me at the wrist. Colin’s Powell rushed over and kicked Mr. Penn right in what Laura calls the “ballsey-wallseys” – ouch! I bet that hurt! It happened to me once when I first met Laura when I was drunk, I asked her a pretty un-Christian question and I woke up later in the hospital all bruised up “down there” if you know what I mean! Any way Mr. Penn got back up, took out a Penn pen and started stabbing me with it! Again and again! Right in the stomach! He kept jumping up and down like Daffy Duck screaming “Yippeedeedoo! Penn Pen Power! Yippeedeedoosey!”

All the ink was pouring everywhere. Or maybe it was my blood. I don’t know. But that would explain why I woke up in a hospital the next day and everyone was asking me how I was. I thought I had just passed out from drinking too much again!

What does this have to do with anything?

Well, it just goes to prove that Hollywood is full of real stupid and mean people who are out to get me because Michael Moore brainwashed them. So, here’s my top ten list of the top ten worst Hollywood people:

10. Tom Cruise

He has big crooked teeth, starred in the Mission Impossible movies and likes to fart a whole lot. Laura doesn’t like when I call them “farts,” she says it’s very crude, she prefers that I call them stinky-winkies or “rippers” but I’ll darned well say what I want! I’m the President! (Besides, Laura didn’t say I couldn’t type it, heh-heh.) Any way, Tom Cruise came over to the White House for dinner once, and I was talking to him and he just kept leaving stinky-winkies the whole time. He kept going “Ughhhhh” and letting them rip in a very un-Christian way. When I let stinky-winkies crawl out of my special place poo-poo hole, I make sure I do so in a very Christian manner, according to my daddy’s Book of Christian Manners. I lift one cheek, squirt and resume eating. If it’s a bit too loud and smells a lot and everyone around me sees and hears and smells it, I just blame Colin’s Powell. Actually, I blame Powell’s Colon! That gets some laughs. But Colin’s Powell doesn’t laugh. Sometimes this makes him get real mad and he runs out of the room crying like a big baby, but he’s always doing that. He also likes to dress up in women’s clothes a lot. Is there something wrong with Colin’s Powell? One time he told me I looked “absolutely snuggable.” Laura slapped him in the face and he ran out of the room crying again, but first he called her a naughty word that rhymes with “litch.”

A word of advice: If you ever have Tom Cruise over for dinner, don’t serve Asparagus or his farty-warties will go on “cruise control” if you know what I mean!

9. Cameron Diaz

This horse-mouthed fool said that I would legalize rape if I became President again. Well guess what? So far it’s been almost a whole month and I have yet to legalize more than two rapes! So take that, Ms. Diaz, and your boyfriend Mr. Nick Carter.

8. Mike Myers

He told me that he based his character of Dr. Evil on me. Me! Why me? What did I ever do to him? Except place three hits on him, cancel an episode of Saturday Night Live he was supposed to host that had blasphemous skits against my daddy, and kiss his wife one night when I got a bit tipsy-wipsy? Besides, I don’t have a bald head, so the joke’s on him! (Until I go bald, that is.)

7. Ricky Sanchez

I don’t know who this guy is. I’ve never even seen him before. In fact, I’m not even sure he exists. But I think I heard his name once and his name sounds real weird and Spanishistic, and I hate the Spanish, so I hate him too. He probably hates me, so it all works out. If he exists. I’ll have to ask Colin’s Powell to search for me.

6. Quentin Tarantino

All his movies are, are lots of blood and violence and baby-making. Once, someone touring the White House was talking about nice Christian movies to me. I told them I was a big fan of The Jungle Book, The Butter Cream Gang Strikes Again (what a great mystery!) and Jesus is Cool: The eXtreme Sports Video, Starring Ricky Sanchez as Jesus. They told me they liked those “flix” too, and told me I’d also like Summer of Sam, Pulp Fiction, Reservoir Dogs, A Clockwork Orange, Fight Club, Irreversible and Kill Bill.

My fellow Americans, I can honestly say that I have never viewed such filth in all my years. (I’d write the years out, but I forget how old I am, so it won’t work.) Taking this evil man’s recommendations, I had Mr. Blackey rent out Reservoir Dogs for me. (Or, as I now call it, Reservoir Stupid-Faces.) The front cover was pink and had a man wearing sunglasses. I thought, heck, it’s so pink and clean, it has to be a family movie, so I invited over Colin’s Powell and his children and his wife (Mrs. Blackey II), Dick and his family, and some children off of the streets. We all began to watch it together. When the first ultra-naughty-word appeared I clasped Laura’s hand tight in mind, closed my eyes and prayed to God that it would end soon. I began chanting with Laura and summoning God to lower Himself from Heaven and ban the filth from our eyes.

All I can say is that it did not end soon, God did not appear and stop it from invading our filth. Reservoir Stupid Faces has the most swearing I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen Driving Miss Daisy – which, not surprisingly, was also directed by “Mr.” Tarantino. (Dick Cheney’s Editorialistic Note: Quentin Tarantino did not direct Driving Miss Daisy. However according to the George W. Bush Law, whatever he says goes – therefore, from this day forward, Driving Miss Daisy will be added to Quentin Tarantino’s regime.)

5. John Travolta

This guy makes funny faces at me, and told me I smelled like cabbage. I don’t like him much. Also, in the movie Pulp (about pulp Orange Juice? I don’t know, I haven’t seen it), I heard he swears a whole lot and calls my daddy a mean name that rhymes with “slugga” and “mutha,” and both put together sometimes.

4. Michael Jackson/Jordan

They’re the same, aren’t they? They’re both black and evil and like children a whole lot – too much if you ask me. Did you see that awful evil movie, Space Jam? It was all about Michael Jackson trying to infiltrate little children’s panties! He used recognizable Christian cartoon characters such as Bugs Bunny and Porky Pig and Mickey Mouse as decoys, to trick the children into letting him touch their Super Special Places!

Oh, which reminds me – let’s add Samuel L. Jackson to that list, too. I think they’re all brothers, but I’m not sure so just to be careful I might as well add his name. If he’s not Michael Jordan and Jackson’s brother, then he should still be on the list because he has a bald head, and only unchristian people do that.

3. W. Axl Foley

The singer from the popular 1970s “hard pop metal” band AC/DC (which = bi-sexual). He once said I looked like an orangutang. It hurt me feelings. I hope he dies real soon. He does a voice on Grand Theft Souls as an “Innocent DJ” who “just likes to listen to music.” Yeah, right. And The Satan is just misunderstood! I bet. His evilistic song, “Sympathy of the Devil,” is evil. One time, he hugged Elton “I Am a Huge Homosexualistic Pervert” John and sang a song with him in skimpy short-shorts! Eww! Talk about gross! His voice sounds like a woman’s, he wears underwear and dances what Laura calls “seductively,” makes “humpy-humpy” motions with his hips and screams a whole lot into the microphone like a woman! He also dances around a whole lot like a darned chimpanzee/woman (they all look alike to me). Now, if only I could convince Laura to take down the naked poster of him from her bedroom wall.

2. Barney the Dinosaur

Barney is a very evil dinosaur. He pretends to be your best friend, but after you let him kiss and hug you and squeeze your butt-tocks he ignores you and calls you names. I don’t like him much, and hope he dies. I once met Barney, when I was younger. He was in an alleyway, an old man. He didn’t have a dinosaur suit back then, he was dressed as a human. He paid me five dollars to let him touch me and kept saying “Let Uncle Barney touch ‘ya kiddie.”

When I saw him on television years later, I could tell by the voice and smell that it was him! I am still waiting to receive the twenty bucks he promised me the next day to “go a little further,” and let me tell you – he didn’t go further, he went downer! Right down my pants! It was real gross, so I ran away. But I still want my twenty bucks. Heck, I could probably put it into our Nucular Warhead New World Order fund. (In which it clearly states, “…a nuclear [isn’t it spelled nucular?] warhead for every boy, a half for every girl and three for their parents.”)s

Michael Moore

He’s just plain evil! Need I say more? For one, he calls me names a lot and says things that aren’t true. Also, he pooped on my bird and chopped of its head. (Dick Cheney’s Editorialistic Note: This is unconfirmed, but Michael Moore was in Michigan at the time and could have easily taken a jet to D.C, gotten out, pooped on the President’s bird, and flown back in time for dinner.) Michael Moore tends to poop on my stuff a whole lot, once I was going to go golfing and he took a huge ol’ dump right on my golf bag kart! (Note: This is unconfirmed, but the only other person there at the time was Colin’s Powell, and he promised he’d never do it again so it couldn’t have been him.)

Well, God bless – unless your name is on this list, of course!

- George “G. Holmes Dawg” Bush
November ??, 2004 (or whatever year we're in now, I'm too lazy to look at the calender but I'm sure it's somewhere around there - time flies when you're having fun waging war like Rambo!)

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

What the Heck?

Howdy all,

I'm feeling pretty depressed. I just found out that someone is posting a bunch of silly stuff using my name! Check it out!

The Stupid Person Using My Name

I'm so madd right now, I could start a war like my hero Rambo. I could take a bunch of machine guns, run into Iran (or Iwalk or Iswim or whatever the heck it's darned called) and shoot the darned place to heck! I could blow up lots of stuff with a big darned smile spread across my big darned face, shooting innocent bystanders because they got in the way of Busho!!! Then I could tie a bandana around my head, strip out of my clothes, run around naked shooting up lots of stuff screaming "Jesus is love!" blowing everything to heckin' schmithereens.

Listen to what this imposter wrote, it makes me so darn mad:

"...There's an old saying, 'Do not pray for tasks equal to your powers; pray for powers equal to your tasks.' In four historic years, America has been given great tasks, and faced them with strength and courage. Our people have restored the vigor of this economy, and shown resolve and patience in a new kind of war. Our military has brought justice to the enemy, and honor to America. Our nation has defended itself, and served the freedom of all mankind. I'm proud to lead such an amazing country, and I'm proud to lead it forward."

Now I don't know what the darned heck he's talking about because it's pretty booring and made my head feel all confusilated and hurt my brain, but I'm sure it's really nasty and something mean about me. What kind of person says, "I'm proud to lead such an amazing country, blah blah blah" - COME ON! Like anyone really can read stuff like that without going boggly-woggly-cross-eyed.

I'm so madd right now I could start a lawsuit, but I won't, because last time that happened Laura got madd. Apparently there is no such thing as a "lawsuit" - I tried to sew one together with Laura's sewing kit, made out of law books about the law and stuff, but it didn't work out real well, especially when I put it on and ran around the White House screaming "I am the lawsuit, hear me roar." That made a lotta people laugh. How come? Oh well, I don't know but Laura thought it was real bad to do so I won't do it again.

But I will invade Iswam with machine guns like Rambo. I just saw that movie the other year, it was sooooo cool. He's like, "Yo, I can kill everyone, yo" and he's running around blowing up EVERYTHING!

I learned everything there is to know about war, democracy, and foreign countries from Rambo - when the going gets tough...just pull out a knife and a machine gun and start killing up lots of people, and shoot them to heck.

Because remember: War is bad, but it sure can be fun when you're shooting the place to heck like Mr. Rambo did.

As part of my New World Order, every human being must be forced to sit through every Rambo movie so that they can understand what I'm trying to do here. Maybe then all the people who hate me like Michael Moore and Colin's Powell and Oprah Winfrey can understand what I'm trying to do here - which is just blow a lot of stuff to heck and save the world from The Satan's Evil Foreigners.

Because after all, anyone who is not American and looks funny is probably going to be The Satan, or be in some way connected to The Evil One, so just shoot them - it's better not to take chances.

And if you don't have a weapon, just poke fun at them alot and hurt their feelings until my Official George W. Bush New World Order is taken to heart and, as Line 3 in the Third Paragraph clearly states, "...a machine gun for every boy and girl, and three for their parents."

We will be well equipped to deal with those anti-Rambos when they come rolling into town!

Hallelujah! Praise Jesus and my daddy! Now, let's go watch Rambo again (just fast-forward over the "f***" parts or throw your children in front of the television in order to save your eyes and ears from hearing and seeing the filth) and then go invade one of them there foreign countries, you know the ones...the kind with the people who have weird eyes and skin. They give me the creeps. Once, I was in a grocery store with one, and they tried to kill me so I dragon kick dropped them. (Dick Cheney's Editorialistic Note: They did not try to kill him, but the 83-year-old Iranian grandmother DID look awful mean and funny, and there's a chance that she had a weapon on her and was going to kill Mr. President Bush. But then again she had real funny eyes and funny eyed people all deserve to die.)

Stay tuned for more information on who this imposter is - once I find him, I'll send him back to The Hell where he can live with The Satan and have lots of The Steamy Gay Hot Homosexualistic Sex, which is only for The Evil People.

God Blessin'!

- Busho

Frank the Rabbit is Annoying

Howdy all,

I've got a bit of a problem. Lately I've been having strange dreams involving Al Gore, Bill Clinton, Oprah Winfrey and cottage cheese. Oh, and a really weird rabbit named Frank. My daughters (I forget their names, I think it's Jenny and something else) tell me it's from the hit movie Donnie Darko.

So tell me, America: How in heck did I get an evil image from an evil movie I haven't watched into my head?

My wife - you know her name right? good because I forget - she told me to try using some special Jesus Soap. Supposedly Super Jesus Soap washes evilistic images out of your brain. But it isn't working for me! It's all pink and I keep remembering that evilistic movie Fight Club when I use it!

Help!

It just keeps trying to OUCHY OUCHY STANLEY BOOOOOM REDRUMREDRUMREDRUM

See it's taking over my brain again!

HEEEEELP!!!!

Don't---touch---buttonn.....

I'll be back with more on this evilistic development very soon. I'm currenly writing the GEORGE W. BUSH GUIDE TO EVILISTIC HOLLYWOOD PEOPLE and that will be up soon once I do what Frank is telling me to do. Hold on, be right back, I've just gotta go light the White House on fire real quick.

Lad-uh!

- Georgey