Saturday, November 06, 2004

FRIENDS are Just Friends of Satan! Plus: How to Trap a Devil.

Howdy all.

I'm a bit sadd right now. Let me tell you why.

I just got done watching another episode of that perverse television show. You know the one. It lingers on your very lips but you are afraid to say it as you believe Satan may rise from the depths of his hellish underworld to climb into your brain and take control.

But alas I must -- no, must -- say it because I must be the truth. I was watching...


(a.k.a. Freaks Rolling In Evil Naughty Devil's Spawna. I don't know quite what this means but the Lord Jesus Christ my God told me to write it. Also, Dick Cheney paid me a bit of money on the side to see if I could make up a new slogan, so boo-yah Dick -- you owe me five grand. Oh, and Jesus too.)

Real Friends

Evil Friends

For those of you lucky enough to have never seen an episode of this horrible, awful, evil television show, it's almost as bad as when I saw an episode of The Sesame Street with my daughters and threw my beer bottle at the TV. Unfortunately some of the beer got electrified so when I bent down onto the carpet to lap up some of the dripping beer after throwing one of my daughters (I forget her name) off my lap, I got a bit of a shock, hence my incapabilititity to form cohersive sentences sometimes. Also I pushed my daughter away a bit too fast because they found out that I accidentally threw her through the wall into the next room. Sorry, whichever one of you it was!

Anyway, I was so angered by the filth I was seeing -- homosexual puppets being voiced by a known infamous gay AIDs-infacted homsexual! -- that I felt like throwing up. And I did, all over my daughter Jenna. It took a month to get the beer and pretzels out of her hair.

(Dick Cheney's Editorialistic Note: It is not a proven fact that Frank Oz is a homosexual but he did meet Marlon Brando once, and Marlon Brando didn't even like him which says something. Plus, Brando was a known bisexual so I hope he's rotting in hell. Maybe when Frank Oz dies they can share a bedroom and have a threesome with the Devil Satan Lord of of the Underworld of Hell on a daily and consistent basis. Maybe the Kerbleckistcheins or whatever the heck their names are can join them, they'll have a fun ol' time singing along to Jewish Polka Dot Hanukkah songs and bathing themselves in the Devil's filth.)

Today I got so mad by the show Friends that I had a seizure. That's right, a seizure. (Dick Cheney's Note: It was not a seizure.)

I'll tell you how it happened.

There I was, minding my own business trying to hack into the Playboy channel. (Laura put parental controls on! Darn her to heck! Maybe if I threaten to throw her in a jail cell with that Iraqian guy we captured she'll tell me what the unlocking secret number is. After all she won't want to catch his Gingitivis.)

So yeah, anyway, I was just minding my own business when I accidentally clicked the "up yours" button (it used to be just an UP button, but Dick added on the word YOURS because he thought it was funny, and would gain me approvals with the niggas and ho's, but it only made my dad real mad and he slapped me in the ear again. I wish he'd stop that. When I invaded Iraq he hugged me. When I told him, "Maybe we should pull out, maybe I was wrong" he pulled down my pants in front of Bill Clinton and gave me a "royal spanking," as he always calls it. I hate my dad.).

All of a sudden the filth of Satan invaded my eyes. There, on the television screen, was a satanic image and I instantly knew only three people could have put it there: Satan, Osama Bin Laden, Bill Clinton or Oprah Winfrey. That's four people if you can count (and if you can't, join the club), but there are secret reports that Bill Clinton is Oprah Winfrey in disguise, so it kinda works out.

The image blinded my eyes. I screamed, "Oh sweet Jesus my Lord God blind thy eyes from Satan's filth!" And God obeyed my wish because right at that moment Jimmy my security guard ran into the room. I accidentally punched him in the ear because I thought he was Satan violating my special place through the television. I then kicked him and threw him out the Oval Office window by accident. I'm glad to report they're almost done finding the missing bone to put back in his neck. I'm going to send his wife and children a birthday card (we're all out of "Sorry For Breaking Your Husband's Neck" cards) but I'm not sure if I should send along five bucks along with it. After all, I could buy a whole stack of paper for five bucks, so it's a hard choice...

Any way, the image was so awful it has stained me forever. Here it is, are you ready?! DON'T LOOK AT THIS IMAGE IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 30 OR SUFFER FROM CHRONIC GINGIVITIS.

==The Satan's Image That He Uses to Plant Evil Thoughts Into American People's Heads==

Warning, it is not for the faint of hearted. I showed it to Dick Cheney and he had another darned heart attack. Man, when is he going to lay off the burritos? Also, he really needs to stop eating them too because they also give him bad gas. Unless it's Condaleezi Rice, but her's usually smell a bit difference.

Anyway, about the image. Notice how Satan slyly makes it look like the peaceful image of three close friends smiling at their heterosexual wives behind the camera. No one would think more of this than to be a friendly snapshot of good Christian men and their wives behind the cameras having a good old-fashioned Christian time in honor of Jesus Christ our Lord on a pleasant Sunday afternoon as children run amock in the background climbing trees and singing nice Bible hymns and teenagers turn down drug offers off in the distance and say, "Jesus hates drugs! Let's go become preists and choir boys!"

You'd be fine to think this. They're just close friends. But wait -- they look too close. With my perceptivible eyes I finally understood what it was I was seeing in the picture that gave me evil images of mass murder, carnage, and horrible steamy gay homosexual sex.


It is made clear by Satan that they are holding each other's buttocks. Look at the angle of the man on the left, and how the one in the middle is smiling with glee as he receives multiple butt grabs. Meanwhile, the twisted man on the right has his eyebrow arched in a suggestive manner -- is he hiding one of Satan's Special Place Pokies? (Or as you might know them...DO NOT READ FURTHER IF YOU ARE EASILY DISTURBED BY FILTH...a "boner." I shudder just thinking about saying or typing it.)

The women behind the camera are no doubt also homosexuals giving each other Satan's Unnatural Sex acts to pleasure each other as their husbands enjoy Satan's gay sex.

I'll tell you, nothing makes me more sad than seeing things like this. Make no doubt about it -- Satan is slowly but surely infiltrating our society and he is here right now, he is in this room with me, I can see him smiling at me saying, "George, George, you know you want to look at the picture of Mary-Kate and Ashley in their bathing suits," but I'm telling him: "NO Mr. Devil! I am a believer in the Lord Jesus Christ and I will make you go bye-bye if you get near me!"

And that's how you beat the devil at his own game. I haven't been tempted by the devil to have a drink since I was in my thirties. And last time I did, just for fun, I ended up running over three people and an SUV in my bulldozer. So I stopped drinking, got rid of my bulldozer and buried the nine bodies and no one ever found out and to this day I'm a changed man.

So let me tell you how to beat the Devil Who Is Not Our God at his own game. First, you must trick him. You say aloud, "Boy, I shure would like to have some hot gay sex!" but then when he rises out of hell you slap him over the head and scream, "In the name of God I banish you forever!" I've noticed that this always makes him real sad and he goes away.

Note: I have never actually seen the devil per se but every time something bad happens I do see a man appear named Steve. He claims he's my new bodyguard but I know better. He always appears out of secret doors I didn't know about, which leads me to believe he is definitely the Devil. Yesterday he came up to me and said, "Hi, President Bush, how is it going?"

I was prepared. I grabbed my knife from my Official Oval Office drawer, rammed the blade into his stomach and twisted it. Unfortunately I only thought I had gotten my knife, it was actually a pen which was sorta embarrassing because it stained Satan's shirt and he looked at me like I was an idiot, but he hasn't been back since so I know I did something right.

But wait! you are saying. What if Satan reads this and knows I'm trying to trick him?

The answer is simple.


The second available option, of course, is a Satan Trap, available at any nearby church. (Usually sold for around $5 each.) Some priests carry as many as three hundred in stock, just in case the beast rises from hell with the number 666 and attempts to turn us into a bunch of steamy faggots.

Satan is a real sucker for cheese. Merely insert some cheese in the trap, pour the blood of a human over it, and he'll just have to check it out. And then when he does -- wham! You chop his head clean off. Sometimes this can be a bit messy, so prepare with extra towels and napkins. If you don't have any towels or napkins, you can find them at your local McDonald's. The best option, if you're a cheapskate like me, is to get out a map. The first step is to get someone else to mark down where all the McDonald's are, and how to get to each one quickly. You then have someone drive you around to all the different McDonald's. You go into the restaurants and find their napkin displays. You take about twenty. Don't take too many, or they'll think you're stealing. Don't take too little, or they might think you're unhappy with the quality of the napkins which will only make them mad at you and then you might be arrested by Ronald McDonald. (It happened to me when I was six. Ronald McDonald was at a McDonald's restauarant and when my dad left for a few minutes to guy buy a six-pack a few miles away Ronald took me into the men's bathroom and told me I had done something bad. I knew it was the napkins straight away, and he spanked me many times for taking too little and kept calling me a "bad little boy" and making weird noises like "ohhhh yeaaaahhhh." I never told my dad because I was afraid he'd never take me to McDonald's again if he found out how bad I'd been.


That's how to trap a devil. If you have more questions, don't ask me or I'll have you arrested for Annoyance of President. Geesh people, I'm trying to run a country here, I don't have time for stupid stuff.

In summery do not be fooled by evil men like Michael Moore, John Carey, and Oprah Winfrey. Gay sex is not "normal." Most men now are taught, "Oh, it's okay to have thoughts like this, it just means I'm curious and open-minded."

Oh yes well guess what your...





It is not normal. Instead you should just kill yourself. If you ever get one of Satan's Boners by looking at a man, I recommend you immediately shout out, "This in the name of my Lord Jesus!" and proceed to chop off your "special place" so that it no longer tempts you to stick it into special poo-poo holes. You can usually sell special places on or to hospitals. Apparently they then give you a donor card, which gives you special privilages like you get $2 a month or something.

Any way homosexualistic people are not normal, they are evil and are just the next Hitlers. Let me tell you because I know, they just plan to take over the world, they plan on using Satan to help turn us all into homosexualistics so we can laugh at evil TV shows like Friends, Will and Grace, Cheers and Pokemon. (Which sounds like Poke a Man, which means stick your special place inside another man's second special place, which is what Satan does and only Satan should do in the privacy of hell.)

So next time you feel like watching a bit of "harmless" television?


Instead, read the Bible. Or pray with your family. Or sing praises to God and listen to some of Mr. Joe Smith's Incredibly Fun Bible Praise Songs on his new CD, entitled "Let's Have Fun with God."

These are things that Christian people do.

Unchristian people are going to hell. Do you want to go to hell? I didn't think so.

So instead of watching Friends let's all go march and sing the anthem to family Christian shows like Bible Man and The Music Man and The Last Temptation of Christ (I've never seen it, but I heard it was real good).

Just don't go for that awful Mel Gibson version with William Dafoe, that was so horrible and it made Jesus look like a gay man. I'll never forgive Mel Gibson for the shame he brought me in watching it with my scarred them for life. Stay away.

Oh, another good movie to watch with your family is Hitler: The Misunderstood Genius Family Man. It shows what a really good guy he was! So forget what I said about homosexuals being like Hitler, he was a good man and he knew Jewish beliefs that Jesus isn't God was wrong so he was just trying to teach them lessons, and he got a bit carried away.

Instead, homosexualistics are like Mel Gibson -- they are evil, and shouldn't be allowed inside McDonald's or any other public places.

God bless!

Your President,

- George W. Bush


Anonymous Anonymous said...

How long before Bush's administration takes action against this blog? I hope not soon, because it's the funniest fucking stuff I've ever read in my entire life. It's like...some things are funny and I chuckle reading MAD magazine but this had me rolling on the floor in tears and I've never done that before, especially your post about Michael Moore. Bravo! I'll link you in my blog whenever I finally make one.

November 6, 2004 at 1:17 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You seriously rock dude...don't let the FBI shut you down

November 6, 2004 at 4:31 PM  

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