Thursday, November 25, 2004

The George W. Bush Guide to Stupid Hollywood People - Top 10

The George W. Bush Guide
to
Stupid Hollywood People
(If you disagree with any of the following, you are to be immediately banished from America and forced to chop off your own special place, as in accordance with the George W. Bush New World Order.)
BY GEORGE W. BUSH
EDITED BY GEORGE W. BUSH
CONCEIVED BY GEORGE W. BUSH
WRITTEN BY GEORGE W. BUSH
THOUGHT UP BY GEORGE W. BUSH
NOT CONTRIBUTED TO BY ANYONE ELSE, IT'S ALL GEORGE W. BUSH'S AND HE SHOULD DESERVE ALL CREDIT
(Typos corrected by Colin's Powell)

It amazes me how many people in Hollywood hate me. I met Sean Penn once, the creator of the world-famous Chicken Penns – and he tried to bite my hand off! I shook his and he took mine and started chewing me at the wrist. Colin’s Powell rushed over and kicked Mr. Penn right in what Laura calls the “ballsey-wallseys” – ouch! I bet that hurt! It happened to me once when I first met Laura when I was drunk, I asked her a pretty un-Christian question and I woke up later in the hospital all bruised up “down there” if you know what I mean! Any way Mr. Penn got back up, took out a Penn pen and started stabbing me with it! Again and again! Right in the stomach! He kept jumping up and down like Daffy Duck screaming “Yippeedeedoo! Penn Pen Power! Yippeedeedoosey!”

All the ink was pouring everywhere. Or maybe it was my blood. I don’t know. But that would explain why I woke up in a hospital the next day and everyone was asking me how I was. I thought I had just passed out from drinking too much again!

What does this have to do with anything?

Well, it just goes to prove that Hollywood is full of real stupid and mean people who are out to get me because Michael Moore brainwashed them. So, here’s my top ten list of the top ten worst Hollywood people:

10. Tom Cruise

He has big crooked teeth, starred in the Mission Impossible movies and likes to fart a whole lot. Laura doesn’t like when I call them “farts,” she says it’s very crude, she prefers that I call them stinky-winkies or “rippers” but I’ll darned well say what I want! I’m the President! (Besides, Laura didn’t say I couldn’t type it, heh-heh.) Any way, Tom Cruise came over to the White House for dinner once, and I was talking to him and he just kept leaving stinky-winkies the whole time. He kept going “Ughhhhh” and letting them rip in a very un-Christian way. When I let stinky-winkies crawl out of my special place poo-poo hole, I make sure I do so in a very Christian manner, according to my daddy’s Book of Christian Manners. I lift one cheek, squirt and resume eating. If it’s a bit too loud and smells a lot and everyone around me sees and hears and smells it, I just blame Colin’s Powell. Actually, I blame Powell’s Colon! That gets some laughs. But Colin’s Powell doesn’t laugh. Sometimes this makes him get real mad and he runs out of the room crying like a big baby, but he’s always doing that. He also likes to dress up in women’s clothes a lot. Is there something wrong with Colin’s Powell? One time he told me I looked “absolutely snuggable.” Laura slapped him in the face and he ran out of the room crying again, but first he called her a naughty word that rhymes with “litch.”

A word of advice: If you ever have Tom Cruise over for dinner, don’t serve Asparagus or his farty-warties will go on “cruise control” if you know what I mean!

9. Cameron Diaz

This horse-mouthed fool said that I would legalize rape if I became President again. Well guess what? So far it’s been almost a whole month and I have yet to legalize more than two rapes! So take that, Ms. Diaz, and your boyfriend Mr. Nick Carter.

8. Mike Myers

He told me that he based his character of Dr. Evil on me. Me! Why me? What did I ever do to him? Except place three hits on him, cancel an episode of Saturday Night Live he was supposed to host that had blasphemous skits against my daddy, and kiss his wife one night when I got a bit tipsy-wipsy? Besides, I don’t have a bald head, so the joke’s on him! (Until I go bald, that is.)

7. Ricky Sanchez

I don’t know who this guy is. I’ve never even seen him before. In fact, I’m not even sure he exists. But I think I heard his name once and his name sounds real weird and Spanishistic, and I hate the Spanish, so I hate him too. He probably hates me, so it all works out. If he exists. I’ll have to ask Colin’s Powell to search for me.

6. Quentin Tarantino

All his movies are, are lots of blood and violence and baby-making. Once, someone touring the White House was talking about nice Christian movies to me. I told them I was a big fan of The Jungle Book, The Butter Cream Gang Strikes Again (what a great mystery!) and Jesus is Cool: The eXtreme Sports Video, Starring Ricky Sanchez as Jesus. They told me they liked those “flix” too, and told me I’d also like Summer of Sam, Pulp Fiction, Reservoir Dogs, A Clockwork Orange, Fight Club, Irreversible and Kill Bill.

My fellow Americans, I can honestly say that I have never viewed such filth in all my years. (I’d write the years out, but I forget how old I am, so it won’t work.) Taking this evil man’s recommendations, I had Mr. Blackey rent out Reservoir Dogs for me. (Or, as I now call it, Reservoir Stupid-Faces.) The front cover was pink and had a man wearing sunglasses. I thought, heck, it’s so pink and clean, it has to be a family movie, so I invited over Colin’s Powell and his children and his wife (Mrs. Blackey II), Dick and his family, and some children off of the streets. We all began to watch it together. When the first ultra-naughty-word appeared I clasped Laura’s hand tight in mind, closed my eyes and prayed to God that it would end soon. I began chanting with Laura and summoning God to lower Himself from Heaven and ban the filth from our eyes.

All I can say is that it did not end soon, God did not appear and stop it from invading our filth. Reservoir Stupid Faces has the most swearing I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen Driving Miss Daisy – which, not surprisingly, was also directed by “Mr.” Tarantino. (Dick Cheney’s Editorialistic Note: Quentin Tarantino did not direct Driving Miss Daisy. However according to the George W. Bush Law, whatever he says goes – therefore, from this day forward, Driving Miss Daisy will be added to Quentin Tarantino’s regime.)

5. John Travolta

This guy makes funny faces at me, and told me I smelled like cabbage. I don’t like him much. Also, in the movie Pulp (about pulp Orange Juice? I don’t know, I haven’t seen it), I heard he swears a whole lot and calls my daddy a mean name that rhymes with “slugga” and “mutha,” and both put together sometimes.

4. Michael Jackson/Jordan

They’re the same, aren’t they? They’re both black and evil and like children a whole lot – too much if you ask me. Did you see that awful evil movie, Space Jam? It was all about Michael Jackson trying to infiltrate little children’s panties! He used recognizable Christian cartoon characters such as Bugs Bunny and Porky Pig and Mickey Mouse as decoys, to trick the children into letting him touch their Super Special Places!

Oh, which reminds me – let’s add Samuel L. Jackson to that list, too. I think they’re all brothers, but I’m not sure so just to be careful I might as well add his name. If he’s not Michael Jordan and Jackson’s brother, then he should still be on the list because he has a bald head, and only unchristian people do that.

3. W. Axl Foley

The singer from the popular 1970s “hard pop metal” band AC/DC (which = bi-sexual). He once said I looked like an orangutang. It hurt me feelings. I hope he dies real soon. He does a voice on Grand Theft Souls as an “Innocent DJ” who “just likes to listen to music.” Yeah, right. And The Satan is just misunderstood! I bet. His evilistic song, “Sympathy of the Devil,” is evil. One time, he hugged Elton “I Am a Huge Homosexualistic Pervert” John and sang a song with him in skimpy short-shorts! Eww! Talk about gross! His voice sounds like a woman’s, he wears underwear and dances what Laura calls “seductively,” makes “humpy-humpy” motions with his hips and screams a whole lot into the microphone like a woman! He also dances around a whole lot like a darned chimpanzee/woman (they all look alike to me). Now, if only I could convince Laura to take down the naked poster of him from her bedroom wall.

2. Barney the Dinosaur

Barney is a very evil dinosaur. He pretends to be your best friend, but after you let him kiss and hug you and squeeze your butt-tocks he ignores you and calls you names. I don’t like him much, and hope he dies. I once met Barney, when I was younger. He was in an alleyway, an old man. He didn’t have a dinosaur suit back then, he was dressed as a human. He paid me five dollars to let him touch me and kept saying “Let Uncle Barney touch ‘ya kiddie.”

When I saw him on television years later, I could tell by the voice and smell that it was him! I am still waiting to receive the twenty bucks he promised me the next day to “go a little further,” and let me tell you – he didn’t go further, he went downer! Right down my pants! It was real gross, so I ran away. But I still want my twenty bucks. Heck, I could probably put it into our Nucular Warhead New World Order fund. (In which it clearly states, “…a nuclear [isn’t it spelled nucular?] warhead for every boy, a half for every girl and three for their parents.”)s

Michael Moore

He’s just plain evil! Need I say more? For one, he calls me names a lot and says things that aren’t true. Also, he pooped on my bird and chopped of its head. (Dick Cheney’s Editorialistic Note: This is unconfirmed, but Michael Moore was in Michigan at the time and could have easily taken a jet to D.C, gotten out, pooped on the President’s bird, and flown back in time for dinner.) Michael Moore tends to poop on my stuff a whole lot, once I was going to go golfing and he took a huge ol’ dump right on my golf bag kart! (Note: This is unconfirmed, but the only other person there at the time was Colin’s Powell, and he promised he’d never do it again so it couldn’t have been him.)

Well, God bless – unless your name is on this list, of course!

- George “G. Holmes Dawg” Bush
November ??, 2004 (or whatever year we're in now, I'm too lazy to look at the calender but I'm sure it's somewhere around there - time flies when you're having fun waging war like Rambo!)

25 Comments:

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you should really get a rabes shot for that sean penn bite... but if you're already foaming at the mouth, mr. president, it's too late.

i hate him because his wife is butt ugly

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Click Fraud and How to Deter It


Pay per click (PPC) advertising continues to gain popularity in the online marketing world as an effective and inexpensive way to drive targeted visitors to web sites. Research firm eMarketer reported that between 2002 and 2003 the paid search listing market grew 175 percent.

Major trusted search properties such as Google, Overture, FindWhat, Search123 and Kanoodle, all offer PPC campaigns in which you pay only when someone clicks through your banner ad or link. But PPC also has an enemy--click fraud--and understanding what it is and what to do about it should also be a key part of your PPC campaign.

What is Click Fraud?
Click fraud is when someone or something generates illegitimate hits on your banner or text advertisement causing you to pay for worthless clicks. AS PPC campaigns have grown in popularity and keyword prices and bidding have become more competetive, click fraud is on the rise.

Online marketers are becoming increasingly worried about the prospect of click fraud. According to CNET News, some marketing executives estimate that "up to 20 percent of fees in certain advertising categories continue to be based on nonexistent consumers in today's search industry."

This estimate is certainly unsettling for advertisers who, recently, have been paying hefty amounts bidding on desirable search terms. Financial analysts report that in the year 2004 advertisers are paying an average of 45 cents per click. Compare this to 40 cents in 2003 and 30 cents in 2002 the bidding wars continue to rise.

Who's Doing it and Why?
Click fraud perpetrators are most often motivated by trying to increase revenues from affiliate networks or attempting to damage competitors' revenues by forcing them to pay for worthless clicks. The Google Adsense program, in which affiliates receive payment for clicks whether they are real or not, has caused great concern for Google and has intensified its focus on click fraud.

Those engaged in click fraud use a variety of techniques to generate false clicks. Low cost international workers from all over the world are hired to locate and click on ads. The Times of India provided investigative reporting on payment for manual click fraud happening in India. Unethical companies may pay their own employees to click on competitor ads. Last but not least, click fraud can be generated by online robots programmed to click on advertiser or affiliate ads. Some companies go to great lengths creating intricate software that allows for this to happen.

How Can You Deter It?
Many advertisers know about the possibility of click fraud but generally haven't done much in the past to prevent it. Some feel that if they complain to any of the search conglomerates, it could ruin their free listings. Others feel like the problem is beyond them.

"It is a bigger problem, but folks just don't want to take the time to track it down because it's a complex problem," stated John Squire, of web analytics firm Coremetrics, to CNET. "Given that some of the largest marketers manage up to 1 million keywords in a campaign the data can be difficult to crunch."

Companies who do understand and report click fraud to search engine properties have had success receiving refunds for fraudulent clicks. For those advertisers who want to address the possibility of click fraud in PPC campaigns, good option do exists. At the most basic level, advertisers can use general auditing many have been known to compile lists of sites that generate high numbers of clicks but not sales. This will indeed put up a red flag.

On the other hand, because click fraud is advancing at such frequency, click fraud detection companies and software have been popping up all over the country. Let's take a look at some of the options:

- WhosClickingWho.com - This fraud detector tracks all PPC search engines, detects multiple IP's, and even pops up a "ClickMinder" after a potential abuser clicks repeatedly over five times.
- ClickDetective - ClickDetective allows you to track return visitors to your site and alerts you if there is evidence that your site may be under attack. Its reports show you every click in real time rather than a summary hours later.
- BogusClick - BogusClick can help advertisers determine competitor IP addresses, originating PPC search engines and/or partner sites involved, as well as keywords used.
- Clicklab - Clicklab employs a score-based click fraud detection system that applies a series of tests to each visitor session and assigns scores. Calculations are made to indicate bad/good sessions to show an advertiser the quality of traffic.

Click fraud is a big problem in search engine marketing that's only going to get bigger in the future. It is wise for any online advertiser to implement some auditing system. Why continue to waste precious campaign money?!

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