Saturday, November 06, 2004

George W. Bush's Non-Approved Multiple Ten-Step Guide on How to Successfully Act Smart (Even if You Aren't).

Howdy,

I was just about to go get some lunch down at Domino's with Dick and Mr. Blackey (they serve real good tuna pizza with pineapple and salami!) but decided to update my bloggey woggy first. It seems a few people have been sending me some emails. I thought it would be fun to answer a few! If you don't think so, you're lame and gay and according to George W. Bush's Homosexualitis Law (see previous diary entry), to make sure The Satan doesn't convert you to evilness you must immediately chop off your own special place if you are a man. If you are a woman (which rhymes with "boo man" which means "boo, you ain't a man!" which means you are not as good as a man because you are a wo-man), then you must drink cow urine.

I swear. This is a new law, to be re-instated as soon as possible. Whatever that means. I dunno, I just always hear people saying it. But that is the Law According to Bush, and I can make you do it because I'm President. So hurry up and report back here as soon as you've completed your task.

Are you back? Good! Use some of your McDonald's napkins (see post "How to Trap a Devil") to stop the bleeding, or if you're a woman (hereby to be known nationwide as "man's lesser traits packaged into an expendable package to cook meals for man") then just drink some milk or something, the taste will go away soon enough.

Anyway, on to the emails.

I heard you are a front. I heard your administration is using you and controlling you. I heard your image is just being manipulated.

Well I asked Laura and she said this wasn't true, and she told me to say so, so there. It's not true. So stop bringing it up. Look, I'm the first to admit I don't do much of anything here. In fact, the last time I actually spoke in front of a camera was four years ago. I just sit around drinking all day and playing with little cocktail umbrellas (I'm telling ya, it's a new business waiting to be born). All these people are always coming into the Oval Office doing things and signing bills and one time I spotted Johnny the bodyguard signing something with my signature. But I'm sure all of this is just coincidence. After all, surely they'd be smart enough to at least realize that if I was just a "front" for the administration the money spent on all my cocktail umbrellas would just be a huge waste. Unless they're just meant to be a means of pacifying me, but come on, that's crazy talk.

Why, every time someone confronts you with a reasonable question based on your own inadequacies or failures, do you turn the tables on them and say stuff like "you're against us if you're not with us" and insult them just because you can't think of a good comeback?

Because I'm the President and I can. Besides, you're just a stupid dingy dongbat.

How can I became smart like you?

This leads me to the point of my post:

GEORGE W. BUSH'S
TEN STEP GUIDE TO ACTING SMARTER THAN YOU ACTUALLY ARE
By George W. Bush
TESTED, AND PROVED TO WORK VIA FIRST-HAND EXPERIENCE!

(Editorialistic Dick Cheney Note: George W. Bush has used this formula but it has not been proved convincing according to CNN.com and Michael Moore.)

1. Just Nod Alot

Are people asking you confusilating questions alot? Just not alot. This (a) makes them think you agree with them (which is never bad) or are just mildly observing what they're saying or (2) if you accidentally nod when you shouldn't, and they confront you about it, you can easily act as if you're cracking your neck casually. You can then innocently say, "What? I was just cracking my neck." Note: This may backfire if you wear a neck brace or are lying in bed and/or are likewise disabled. I gave this advice to a certain 83-year-old Martha Bay Stevenson. Let's just say that her recovery is going poorly and they're taking her off of IV unit soon if it doesn't improve.

2. If People Confront You About Things, Say You're Busy and Pass it On to Dick Cheney

What can I say? It always works for me.

3. If They Are Confusilating You Just Ignore Them

This works by merely pretending they do not exist, blowing them off or raising a flat palm and saying, "Talk to the hand nigga." Unfortunately it seems black people take offense to this comment, particularly Mr. Blackey. He also hates when I call him Mr. Blackey, especially in public, but I'm the President and I can do whatever I darn well want to.

4. Make Yerself Sound Smart

This is fairly obvious. When Robbie the Robot is on the news pretending to be me, he sometimes messes up and I do, too. The best move here is to simply wipe your mind entirely clean and say the first word that pops into your head. For example, if you're saying, "The state of the world is a messy place," and you can't think of the word "place" on the spot, clear your mind and the first word that pops into your brain should be what you use. For example, I just thought of a word. Let's tie it into the sentence: "The state of the world is a messy poo." I call this process the George Bushilation Process -- the act of drawing words from memory when you're drawing blanks.

Note: It's best not to be constipated when making speeches and drawing blanks, as every George Bushilated word may be related to poo-poo if you do so.

5. No Matter How Low You Go, You Can Always Go Lower

You wouldn't believe how many death threats I got after saying all Iraqian people should be shot and we should nuke the rest of the world. Sheesh. That was the last time they let me fill in for Robbie the Robbot. He was under maintenance at the time and they needed me to make the speech unfortunately.

Unfortunately I kept going lower and lower. I then proceeded to try to cover my fatal blunder by backtracking and saying, "I mean, we shouldn't nuke the rest of the world, just Iraq." Now Arahed Mustafis Birchtree (the Iraqian attending my speech) wasn't particularly fond of this segment of my speech and showed his disapproval by throwing his blunt-edged shoe at me. It cracked me in the skull and I almost bled to death, luckily Dick Cheney was nearby with his EMU and they had just enough juice left over from his last heart surgery to pump back into me in small little bags and wires.

Well, that's it. I hope you like my guide. I realize that's only five steps of ten, but I'm tired and too lazy to finish the rest. So, the last five are: Repeat Step 1, Repeat Step 2, Repeat Step 3, Repeat Step 4 and Repeat Step 5 Until Success.

If you have questions, problems or complaints about this self-help guide written by George W. Bush, please feel free to shut the heck up and not send me anything at all about your feelings because frankly I don't give a rat's bum about you or anyone else. Geesh, what the heck do I goshdarned look like, a lawyer or something? I don't get paid to care about you and I don't want to. I just wanna go play with my cocktail umbrellas. One day, I'm going to make a huge plane out of them and fly to Bermuda on top of the umbrellas. It'll be fun. Maybe I can spot Loch Ness there.

Which reminds me, I just thought of Step Six:

6. Ramble On About Endless Meaningless Pointless Stuff So People Get Bored and Leave You Alone

What's that? Someone in your administration wants to know what to do about something you don't have a clue about and have to act as if you do know about? Take it from me and my years of experience: It ain't worth it. Instead of trying to hurt your brain by concentrating on thinking about stuff, just start rambling on incoherently about things that never happened and are in no way connected to the present in any way, shape or form. Sooner or later they'll get the point and just deliver their message to Dick Cheney, and then you can throw a party like Ferris Bueller because you escaped another stupid dull question by straights in suits. By the way that reminds me of a party I had once when I was 16. Well actually I wasn't 16, I was 15, but that reminds me of why I was confused. You see it all started with the fact that when I was in high school, well actually it wasn't high school, it was a private school where I met this kid named Jack, but everybody called him Jordan even though his name was Jack, and Jordan, he'd always sell these fruits that nobody liked, so one day he asked me if I liked National Velvet the movie and I told him that...

(Dick Cheney's Editorialistic Note: Long Incoherent Rambling Pointless Endless Meaningless Rant deleted due to decency and good taste.)

Any way, gotta go, Mr. Blackey's hungry for pizza and when he gets hungry he gets pretty grumpy. And farts alot. So I better get going.

Have a nice Christian day, and remember: don't smoke pot or have sex unless you're married.

Love,

Your Principal Prez,

- George W.

4 Comments:

Blogger mmulibra said...

I always thought the differences between the Kerry camp and Bush camp would be resolved after the election? It's time to move on?!

November 6, 2004 at 5:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Holy shit this is some funny stuff. Everyone posting angry messages should lighten up, it's just humor, and the guy even says on the bottom that he isn't George Bush so it's not like he's trying to really go after him or something, it's just to be funny.

November 7, 2004 at 2:01 AM  
Blogger Sheil said...

Oh man, this has got to be the funniest weblog I've ever read in my entire life. I've already referred it to a bunch of my friends, and I'm linking to it on my website (www.sheilnaik.com). Keep this thing online and keep posting for FOUR MORE YEARS (ugh)!

November 7, 2004 at 12:37 PM  
Blogger rokkgod said...

I was surfing around and found another George Bush site.George Bush Doesn't Care About Black People This place has a ton of funny videos and mp3s.

November 7, 2005 at 12:12 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home