Monday, November 08, 2004

Grand Theft!

Last night I had the misfortune of viewing a very disturbing piece of so-called "entertainment." It was named Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas but I know it by another name. Its true name: "The Devil's Grand Theft of Innocent Christian American Souls." In this game you shoot, kill, do the naughty-baby-making act and kill -- all for money! And you win points to do it! Not only that, but you play a black thug guy who has a real bad attitude all the time. I very much doubt that he is a Christian, as he was clearly intended to be. (Or should have been.) I told Mr. Blackey this, but he just shrugged and said, "Yeah, but he's a b**chin'" character. I asked Mr. Blackey what this means, but he slapped me and said "I'm calling over some of me holme dawgs to play GTA tonight, yo."

Mr. Blackey has been talking real weird like that lately. In fact even his face has changed. In fact, I don't think it was Mr. Blackey at all! That would explain why every time I called him that he kept giving me hurtful stares and slapping me around alot. I wondered why Mr. Blackey suddenly had a beard and was six inches taller.

But oh well, that doesn't matter. This character from Grand Theft Satan may be named B**chin' but I know his real name: Satan. Do not be fooled by the vocal "talents" of Axl Foley, Michael Jackson, Sean Penn and Henry Fonda, all of whom willingly participated in the recording of this game (along with my friend Sally, who I have already cut from my annual boat trip pension). This is The Devil's Game and only he is in charge of it! He is making profit -- not by money, but by collecting the souls of your children! Every second you play this game is a second that your soul gets eviller -- and every second that The Satan grows stronger! I don't care if Jesus Himself lended his voice talents to Grand Theft Souls -- it would still be an evil game, because it is made by The Satan.

So I propose we solve this moral dillemma via the George W. Bush Grand Theft Souls Riddance Guide. It commands you to enter your next door neighbor's home and search inside for a copy of The Satan's own game. Once you find it, you must burn it along with South Park and other such evil anti-American videogames and movies.

Once we reach the end of America and the last person on the edge of the America has no neighbors to search, I will personally enter the last household and search for a copy of the game. That is how committed I am to putting these evil Satan-doers out of business.

We will then march straight into Hollywood and kill the evil Axel Foley (from the evil musical band Limp Wrist, which = Gay People) and Michael Jackson (the evil black actor with a bad attitude from Pulp Fiction, which is the stupidest movie name ever because only orange juice has pulp in it -- besides, what the heck is a "fiction" anyway? Sounds like a made up word to me!).

After we have completed our task we will each design our own Lord God shrine, which we will all bow down before (in Sunday Church clothes) and pray endlessly to, saying sorry for ever buying copies of The Satan's game and assuring Jesus The Lord God that it will never happen again.

After doing this we will continue the rest of our lives in a permanent state of happy Jesus dancing (detailed instructions on the method of Happy Jesus Dancing included in next journal update).

God Bless!

Sincerely,

- George-ee-oh (rhymes with Yu-Gi-Oh, which is also evil and should be burned as well)

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