Friday, November 12, 2004

Happy Jesus Dancing - A Detailed How-To

Howdy all,

I'm sure you've heard by now of the new sensation sweeping the nation. No - not sex, drugs, violence, Michael Moore or evil music. It's called...

HAPPY JESUS DANCING!
It's real easy to do, too.
To start, go find a local Church. If you do not have a local Church, it means you do not attend Church on Sundays. If you do not regularly attend Church on Sundays, kill yourself now. That is an order, as it means you have not been living the life of a Christian, which means you are too late to repent and must immediately die and go to hell before you can spread your evil gingivitis into other Christians.
If you are still reading this, it means you are a Christian and you go to Church. Good! Once you go to your Church, you need to give your pastor a big ol' slobbery kiss. That's the first step of Happy Jesus Dancing. Once you give the pastor a kiss, it might make him sort of happy -- like he might try to hug you alot and touch you and grab you (this happened to me when I was a young choirboy). It only means you have succeeded in making your pastor extra-extra-special-happy.
Good for you! On to Step 2.
2. Dress up in Church clothes, find your friends, tell them to do the same.
3. Go outside in public places dressed in Church clothes and start singing at the top of your lungs.
If you don't know any good songs, just use the song Colin's Powell made up for me earlier. You have my permission to print it out and pass it around to all your friends.
If people start looking at you weird, laugh, try to throw things at you or run you over with an eighteen-wheeler (it's happened twice to me, but only once to my friend Ernie -- R.I.P.), then just keep it up as it means your plan is working. Your Christian words and Happy Jesus Dancing are making people see the light.
This is the part where you really have to pick things up and show your "coolness." If available, rent a video copy of The Sound of Music and learn all the dance moves from the movie, and add in your own special twisty-twists. I made up my own move you see, I called it the George Bush Hip-Buster.
It never fails to convert non-believers into Christians, due to its awesome coolness and groovy nature.
Just point your fingers in the air, jump up and down like a rabbit and screech as loud as you can. Then once your voice starts to croak real bad and people stare at you funny, leap into the air as high as you can and twist your hips around alot.
This will make people think you are cool because (a) it's what "niggas and ho's" do and they're always cool (2) shaking your hips is hard and when you do it in the air it impresses people and (c) it makes Jesus so happy He makes everyone watching you turn into slobbering hippy followers.
You can then use these Slobbering Hippy Followers to your advantage. Still dressed in your Sunday School clothes (mine are Swedish helshlongersheimerdipschleins -- a special sort of skirt for men! Or at least that's what Mr. Blackey told me when he gave them to me), run around town with your Hippy Followers spreading the good word.
Continue this Happy Jesus Dancing by implementing new groovy moves -- jumping up and down, skipping, crawling on all fours, doing back flips, yelling in people's ears, running and chasing after cars, dancing on cars, dancing on moving cars (just be careful you don't slip like 82-year-old hippy Mr. Peabody -- or as I now call him, Mr. Deadbody LOL! -- did).
Any way, I could write loads more about Happy Jesus Dancing but I have to go take a bubble bath and play with my rubber Duckie, Mr. Yellow Duckie. He's a real good friend, and he never talks back to me! I often carry him with me when I'm Happy Jesus Dancing because a lot of the young girls think Mr. Yellow Duckie is "way cool," and they always show their approval of my behavior and dress code by spitting on me and kicking me in my butt-tocks. Mr. Blackey told me this is the way people nowadays say "I like you, you're cool" without actually speaking, but boy that sure is weird because my bottom still hurts! I wish they'd just say "You're cool" without kicking me!
Anyway, I love you all so much I'm going to go Happy Jesus Dance. You can join me if you want! I'll be downtown Washington D.C., you should be able to spot me quickly as a horde of Slobbering Happy Hippies will be following me.
God Bless!
- George W. Bush

3 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Holy hell. "Happy Jesus Dancing." Hilarious. Utterly hilarious. George Bush (or whatever your name is), you're funnier than Dennis Miller ever will be - how 'bout you try to sign a deal with HBO? You could travel the country dressed up as George Bush giving fake National Addresses, only you could always mis-pronounce it as "National Dresses."

November 12, 2004 at 11:59 AM  
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