Friday, November 05, 2004

I'm Down with the Jiggy-Wiggy, Yo Holmes DawG!

Some people have really been mad at me lately for going to war with Iran! But you know what? I'm glad I did it. Yep, I'm real glad because I know deep down in my heart that everyone else is wrong, and you know how I know that? Because I'm smart. Because I scored 1260 on the SAT! And besides, every time I do something right my stomach makes a weird chug-chug-chugging sound. Laura thinks it's because waging war makes me hungry, but can I help it if I like a bit of chicken salad a few times a day?

Some people say I'm the antichrist. But as all my friends know, it's the complete opposite! I'm down with the Christ, yo!

Which brings me to something else. It seems some people in my administration have become concerned that I'm not "hip with the beeyatches, niggas and ho's," whatever that means. (I don't know, Colin's Powell got real mad when I said it to him though, especially the second word. So I started shouting it real loud to make him mad because he's always talking about confusing stuff that hurts my head, so I kept yelling it and he started clapping his ears like Pee Wee Hermane and said "Nooooo! Not that word!" and ran out of the room like a crybaby!)

Bush: 2
Mr. Blackey: 0


Any way, where was I?

Oh yeah. Anyway, I was told that this could negatively influence the results of the Presidential election if I couldn't connect with the "dawgs and holmes". So I decided to take a stroll around the block outside the White House (in my Mr. Potato Head costume -- no one ever knows it's me, but alot of people must hate Mr. Potato Head because they're always kicking me and stuff alot). I approached a nice young Christian black man and asked him if he knew where the niggas, beeyatches and ho's were. He slapped me in the ear. When I woke up he was gone, but a homeless man told me to try the local bar, Shady Shade's House of Black.

I expected Shady Shade's House of Black to be a friendly Christian environment so I invited some fellow Americans and their families to join me in my search for some holmes. They asked me why I didn't ask a Reality Agent for one but I told them I didn't have one! They seemed to think I was crazy but the joke's on them!

Anyway, I was real mad when I got there because Shady Shade's House of Black was not a Christian envirionment. It was not even nice. There were naked women dancing everywhere. And I felt very uncomfortable because everyone was black and they kept looking at me real weird.

But you won't guess who I saw there. COLIN'S POWELL! Mr. Blackey! He was sitting in front of a young naked black girl who was dancing on his lap. I asked him what he was doing and he said, "Oh hey Prez, I'm just helping this girl find her clothes." I said, "Why is she on your lap?" and he said, "Because they fell there." I asked him how and he said, "Yeah, well, the thing about that is..." and then he hit me over the head with a frying pan. When I woke up all these young Christian black men were behind me and I was in a dark room and I could only hear and feel them, I think they were giving me my annual medical checkup because they kept sticking things in my "second special place" if you know what I mean. (The poo-poo hole, sillies!)

I'll tell you, some doctors must be really thorough because they kept looking around for diseases or whatever in there for EVER! It started to really hurt and I asked when they'd be done and they slapped me over the head and I fell asleep again.

Anyway, when I woke up I was back in front of my computer and Colin Powell was in the Oval Office with me. His face was real red (even though it's usually pretty black) and he looked uncomfertable. I asked him what was wrong and he said nothing. I asked him how I got into the Oval Office and he told me he brought me there. I asked him where Shady Shade went and whether I'd ever find any holme dawgs to call my own, but he just ignored my question. He said, "I put together that rap song you wanted," and I read it. It was real good. He told me, "We're going to have you dress up in gold chains and baggy pants too big for your own good. You're going to dance around a lot and grab your special place and make weird shapes with your hands and wave them at the camera. Then we'll play the music and make it look like you're singing."

I said, "Who really is going to sing?" and he told me they were going to dub me over with Peter Jackson.

Here are the lyrics, I think they're real great. I'll tell you, Colin's Powell shure is good at writing rap songs. Any way, here goes:


Yo, yo, yo
I'm the Prez I'm the Prez
I choked on a Pretz
I like to eat lots of the Pez
And when I'm done make sure not to choke on that
But when I'm done eatin'
And when I'm done smokin'
I get it on get it on get it ohn with my beetch


You gotta gotta make 'em believe
You're down with the blacks
You're down with the holmes
You're down with the ho's

You gotta gotta make 'em belieeeeeeve
You're down with the blacks
You're down with the holmes
Yo yo yo, so is Cheney and his beetches and ho's

(Insert scene where Dick Cheney, dressed in XXL pants and shirts and wearing a large medal around his chest and a bandana, dances against white with seminaked BABES in the background shaking their thangs at him.)




I told Colin I was a bit disappointed with the rest of the song since he didn't write any more but he said he didn't have much time the night before. I asked why but I don't remember what happened after that, because I stop paying attention whenever people talk to me. I have a bit of a short attention span.

Speaking of spans I got a new can of SPAM last Christmas and I'll tell you what, spam is so good it tastes like real meat and when I was down in Texas we ate meat sometimes and there's a good story I have about my buddy Pete, well actually his name wasn't Pete but...


God bless y'all!

- George W. "Down With the Beetches and Ho's" Bush


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