Sunday, November 07, 2004

Michael Moore Bit Me. Plus: Team TRAITOR is Not a Family Film.

Howdy all,

You won't believe what happened. Either could I, at first. But indeed it did, and I've regretted it every day of my life since it happened last night.

Michael Moore bit me.

Yes, you read that right. He bit me. The fat man spread his gingivitis germs into my skin via his dulled, Michiganistic razor-sharp ugly green hairy fuzz-filled teeth. I'm seriously thinking about lopping off my hand at the wrist, as it seems to be turning a very dark purpleish color, and a large "M" (for "Michael") is forming between the pinky and middle finger.

It started out oh so innocently. Just another meeting at the White House. All was the norm -- I was minding my own business rewiring the TV so I could get the Playboy channel to come on, Dick Cheney was having a seizure and heart attack on the living room carpet (relax, it happens all the time), and Colin's Powell was running around screaming things in a worried fashion and telling us the end of the world was drawing nearer because blah blah blah. I stopped listening to him because his words just make my head hurt real bad. Plus, rewiring the TV gave me a bit of a shock. There was a huge label on the back of the TV that said CAUTION! DO NOT INSERT GREEN WIRE HERE! I thought it was a trick by Michael Moore to block my Playboy channel so I stuck the green wire in the hole and got a bit of a shock. Well actually it was more of an electrocution since my bodyguard Jeffrey claimed that I shot straight up into the air like a burning Christmas tree. Plus I think I got superpowers from it since every time I touch a piece of metal now all these sparks start shooting around. One hit Laura in her head and made her hair go on fire, I watched it for awhile and it was real funny, she just kept running around in circles screaming for help but no one helped her!

Anyway Michael Moore somehow managed to sneak into the White House. I asked Dean how it happened but he just shrugged his shoulders and said, "He told me he was a pizza delivery boy bringing you a pepperoni pizza with some pretzels." I got real mad -- so mad I slapped Dean in the face by accident and then accidentally threw him out the window. He should have known I never eat pepperoni pizza, it gives me the skiddles.

Any way Michael Moore came up to me out of the blue. I started screaming for help, hiding behind my Oval Office Oval Desk but it was too late! He came right up to me, grabbed my hand, bore his teeth and bit me! Darn it to heck, he bit me right in my hand. All of a sudden Jerry and the other bodyguards ran in but it was too late! Michael Moore let go of my hand, turned to the left and jumped through the Oval Office window.

Unfortunately for him due to his extreme weight he fell like a rock and smacked real hard against the ground. And unfortunately for him I had just had The President's Lion Den installed below the window so Roary the Tiger (darn it, they accidentally bought tigers instead of lions, but oh well) ripped him to pieces. Jerry managed to save one of his arms but then Roary got out of his pen and ran loose and really went to work on some other guys. Unlucky for them, but lucky for me because I got to watch it all and have a good laugh. It's so much better than any episode of The Satan's TV Show, or as you might know it, Babar the Elephant (Babar = Satan). It was real entertaining.

But now I'm worried about my hand. What should I do? I'm ready to cut it off (with McDonald's napkins at the ready) but Laura said it might negatively effect my reputation. How come? Some other guy chopped his hand off when it got stuck under a rock and he managed to write a book about it and become real famous on TV shows. And now he has this awesome way-cool robotic arm that he swings around. If I had a robotic arm I'd make slapping noises with it and grab at things and pretend I was a robot like Robbie and walk around all stiff waving my arms around slapping people in the face, it'd be so nifty and neat. I could also make weird Frankenstein noises, but not robot noises or else it might make Robbie jealous. :(

Team TRAITOR: Team America Exposed
(As the Filth of a Very Evil Devil and His Two Lovers Who Made it)
So I felt like catching a nifty flick at the multiplex yesterday. I decided, heck, it might be good to improve my ratings by inviting children and their families to come along with me to see the newest Christian puppet movie, called Team America. Surely it was fine because (a) it was Christian and (2) it was about puppets and (c) it was about how cool patriotic Americans are.
I expected to see a pleasant Christian family film with nice lovely puppets spreading the Good Word to our children of America, taking pride in their superior nationality (boo Arabs! Down with Australians!).
My fellow Americans, I can safely say I expected wrong and should never have invited Mrs. McDeagle's third-grade Sunday school class to join me in a peaceful screening of the film.
After hearing the first Ultimate Naughty Word I immediately reacted by firmly slapping my hands over my ears and shielding my precious eyes by reaching for a nearby third-grader and throwing him ferociously towards the screen. With a yelp of patriotic pride (he was clearly thrilled to be thrown by the President in order to so heroically save his country's leader from The Satan's filth!) he smashed his head straight through the theater screen.
I am sad to report that the electric shock was just too much, and he will never walk -- nor speak, eat or use the toilet on his own -- ever again. But he did save his President which is a good thing and I'm sure the $2 Bargain DVD of the Month coupon I'm sending his parents will compensate for their loss, as they will now be able to enjoy the splendor of Teenagers from Outer Space in the comfort of their own home without having to leave for the local multiplex! Unfortunately their disabled son will only be able to sit there helplessly and drool, but that's the price you pay for a free DVD.
I urge you all to boycott this new anti-American un-Christian filth, Team America, which shall hereby be known throughout the nation as Team Stupid Poo Poo, or Team Traitor if you find the other title a bit too confusilating.
I also urge you all to find the nearest theater and burn it to the ground so that it may never screen another reel of this awful film again. The reason it is anti-Christian is because they make fun of -- of all people! -- me in the movie. (What did I ever do to its director, Peter Parker?) The reason it is anti-American is because it makes fun of me, too. It's also just real stupid, and a waste of money.
It could also hurt your brain alot and sometimes the puppets are real scary so it's definitely not a good thing. One of the puppets still gives me nightmares, I've tried everything -- sleeping pills, intoxication, torture -- but I still can't sleep at nights.
When Team Traitor arrives on DVD I order you all to burn every copy you find. If you are low on cash, I can assure you that America will not compensate you for your losses. But let me assure you that it's going towards a good cause, as we will also solve world coldness as the bonfire we build to toss these evil DVDs of Satan upon will be large enough to be seen from Ohio (and, as you all know, Ohio is real big).
So remember -- Michael Moore is a traitor, and so is Team America, so instead of celebrating July 4th next year, why don't we just go out and burn Mr. Moore and his so-called "funny" movie of his, along with Team Traitor. We can tie them all to a stake and dress up in Christian Church clothes and dance around the fire while reciting the Bible Man theme song.
Please start marking your calenders! Because if you don't and if you don't show up I'll have you killed for Annoyance of President and Anti-American Behavior and Real Bad Stupid Taste and Pro Michael Mooreism.
If you disagree with what I said above then you are not an American and must hereby leave the country at once and, if possible, also immediately chop off your own special place and/or drink cow urine, depending on your gender. (See previous post for more detailed instructions.)
Until next time, God Bless!
Your Best Pal,
George "I Am Not a Traitor But Michael Moore Sure Is" Bush


Blogger Dan said...

I'm sorry you didn't like Team Amer-, excuse me, Tema Traitor, because I thought you'd love it. It celebrated our God-given right to defend ourselves from evil terrorists by invading foriegn nations and blowing up everything in sight. Even Michael Moore blows up in the movie.

I hope you didn't throw that kid through the screen before that happened. If so, you missed a really funny scene. Next time you're about to "find the nearest theater and burn it to the ground," try watching a little bit more of the movie. After he explodes, then you can finish burning down the theater.

November 8, 2004 at 2:35 PM  
Blogger natasha said...

this blog is really hilarious. i love it.

November 10, 2004 at 4:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

president, Sir, we miss you, please update

November 11, 2004 at 3:54 PM  

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