Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Ocean's Twelve George Bush Style

Howdy,

I just got done viewing the new Steven Spielberg film "Ocean's Twelve" and have to say - it was even better than the first!! George Clooney looks a whole lot like Frank Sinatra, well not really but he's still good. I just wish they hadn't waited so many years to make a sequel, I mean it's been like 50!!!! (Or 40.)

But what really made me made about this movie was that it didn't star me. I was sitting there watching it all by my lonesome with Laura when I thought, "Hey, I could play George Clooney!" And then I started thinking: Dick's Cheney could be Brad Pitt, Laura could be Julia Roberts, my mommy could be Catherine Zeta Jones, my daddy could be Matt Damon and Condalizzie Rice could be Bernie Mac!! And Mr. Blackey could play Carl Reiner!!!

It's a brilliant idea! Just imagine it! We could call it "Georgey's Twelve" and have a bunch of way-cool political guys in the movie. Bill Clinton could play Andy Garcia, Oprah Winfrey could play all the other bad guys and Jerry Springer could be the guy in the background who keeps waving his finger at the screen.

It would be such a great movie, I could say funny stuff like "Hand me the money sucka!" and totally kick Bill Clinton's bum-bum.

I think instead of making another Ocean's Twelve movie (which will obviously be called Ocean's Fourteen), they should make a Georgey's Twelve movie starring me, me, me, and me and lots of other cooler people.

This is such a great idea, I'm going to go write a movie script and demand that it be made - I'll even fund it with civilian taxes. Your money to a better cause!!

Love,

- George

Saturday, December 04, 2004

BadFellas

I'm disgusted. I will never be fooled into watching another evil liberal Hollywood movie ever again. This is the last straw.

I was just minding my own business in the White House, playing "tit for tat" with Colin's Powell (he didn't want to but I made him). It's a pretty fun game, if only I knew what it was and how to play it - I instead like to make up my own rules as we go along.

The new rule was, "Whoever lands on the red square has to go to Blockbuster video and rent a movie." Unfortunately I was out of red squares (heck, I don't even have any squares at all!) so I told Colin's Powell that he landed on red. He said, "No I didn't, I'm not even playing your stupid game!" So I gave him a spanking and he started crying, and that got him moving on his way alright.

Mr. Blackey drove me to the nearest Blockbuster. Some of my fans threw tomatoes at me, but that's alright, it happens all the time - Laura told me throwing tomatoes is considered an honor in Paris. I said, "We're not in Paris" and she said "Yeah, but M&M is" but I don't know what that means. Either does she, but she told me "I just didn't want to sound like I was making it up." I don't know what that means either. I'm bored.

Where was I? Oh yeah, we went down to Blockbuster. I checked the videos and didn't see any good ones - but then all of a sudden I saw a particular film that struck me as the perfect title for the evening. It was called GoodFellas, and the clerk behind the counter said it was good, and I said, "No darn, diphip!" (I'm not allowed to say the Naughty Words so I replace them with hecks and darns and hips.) He looked at me real funny so I said, "If it wasn't good it wouldn't be called GoodFellas Mr. Silly Head!"

Well, I can honestly say that it was not a good movie. We got home, popped it into the good ol' trusty Official President DVD Player and off we went into the land of Holly'swood!

Oh, but no, my fellow Americans, it was not a happy movie and it was not a good one. It was just a bunch of foul-mouthed, evilistic homosexualistics standing around discussing how to have The Baby-Making Act with each other, using more foul words than a typical episode of Everybody Loves Raymond. I can't tell you how many of The Ultimate Naughty Words I heard, and trust me - this is coming from the guy who sat through Field of Dreams more than 3 times. (It's my favorite movie, even though it has some darned Bad Words in it. More than I've heard since GoodFellas.)

I used to like Robert DeMornay but after seeing him in this, Reservoir Stupid-Heads and Fahrenheit 9/11 (where he appeared as himself) I can honestly say he is a True Stupid Head. I also used to like John Candy, but the scene where he shoots a poor young Christian boy in the foot and says the Ultimate Naughty Word had my stomach turning. I threw up all over the TV, Laura and my dog Barney. The movie made me so sick, I didn't show up for work the next day. I called in sick.

Apparently someone had a problem with this and told me that I couldn't call in sick because I live at work, but the joke's on them - they don't know the secret passage that leads out into the local McDonald's!

Hurry - there's a special on Big Macs! (I think.)

Sincerely,

Your favorite guy in the whole wide world,

- George W. Bush