Wednesday, May 11, 2005

The Colin's Powell Cooking Show!

Howdy USofA'ers,

Gotta bit of a marketing plug ta share with y'all taday. (Serry for da T'xas Sl'ng, gotsa werk on me bad grammer's'sa bit!)



COLIN'S POWELL COOKS!

The Exciting New Reality TV Show from Fox News

What rhymes with filet mignon? COLIN POWELL of course! In association with Fox News (a George Bush trustee) Colin Powell now has his own cooking show, aptly titled COLIN'S POWELL COOKS! (Ed Note: The typo is due to the fact that George Bush issued the press release and apparently did not realize he had spelled his "friend advisor black guy's" name wrong.)

On this groovy retro-'70s-themed cooking show, COLIN POWELL will present to you a delicious array of homemade dishes! Can you say MM-MM-good?! I know I can!

On episode one, titled CRAB CAKES TO BITCHSLAP OSAMA BIN LADEN, Colin teaches us all how to craft delicious but deadly sabotage crab cakes that will simultaneously fulfill your enemy's appetite, and deliver them a deadly load of vicious biochemical poison! Perfect for on the go - after all, who knows when you might end up in the Middle-East, camping out with Osama Bin Laden and discussing the terrorist activities of the area. It's the perfect time to slip him a Sabotage Crab Cake and watch him sputter in disbelief as he grabs his turben off his bony bald head and pukes his guts into it. (Side-effects of the crab cake may also include diarrhea, fatigue and limb dismemberment.)

Episode II will feature the entire cast of STAR WARS EPISODE III THE REVENGE OF THE SITH cooking their famous George Lucas-invented "Star Wars Marketing Ploy Mucho Dollars for Lucas Official Limited Edition Collector's Extended Version of Filet Mignon."

While HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN shows you the do's and don'ts of how to cook the filet mignon to exactly the right level, George Lucas will perform a musical duet with Natalie Portman, singing the theme song from BEACHES! (Complete with a moment when George Lucas breaks down sobbing and uses his beard to dab his wet eyelids.)

The event will be topped off when Colin Powell, George Lucas and Condoleza Ricci all join in a musical rendition of THE MUSIC MAN, where one of the lucky hosts will reveal their plans for a new STAR WARS movie sequel. Can you guess who?!

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I hope you all stay tuned to Fox News and enjoy this reality TV masterpiece! Don't tell anyone I didn't warn you! (Whatever that means.)

Love,

- The Big Daddy, George Dubya

Paving the Way for the Future

Well hello there my fellow Americans,

How nice of you to stop by. Yes, I'm BACK! (Like that guy in that movie about the robot who kills people alot.) It's been a while but I'm back at last n' ready to raise the roof n' dance like Will Smith on 'roids (I got that from a poem). Anywho the reason I haven't updated in so long is that I've been so busy doing stuff, like... reading loads of things I don't understand ... watching TV ... brushing my teeth ... remembering to brush my teeth before I go to sleep ... and oh yeah, defending our nation from the evil of turban-wielding foreigners. Remembering to brush my teeth is the hardest though. Some things just demand attention, and this Prez's pearly whites take precedence over your country! Sorry, folks, gotta look good for the cameras!

Anyway I am going to tell you all a special story of mine that I told Dick's Cheney last week (before he had another heart operation). It made him so excited his face turned real red and he grabbed his chest and started drooling. He grabbed at me and started gurgling these words but I was offended and walked away and told him "If you're going to speak to me, do so like an adult." The next day I found out he was in the hospital for a major heart attack. That's what he gets for insulting the Prez!! Bee-yatch. (I can't say the "real word" or Laura will spank me.)

My story is an ermusing one. Last week I was real tired of being President so I decided to take the day off. I called in sick but that didn't work because I was informed that I live at work so it's impossible for me to call in sick. I was pretty upset and for a minute I wished I worked at McDonald's down the road so I could call in sick. I know the guy who works there, Jerry Lardass, and he told me he takes off sick all the time and goes out for the day. But I can't because I'm President?! That's soooo unfair.

Anyway I used the secret passage in my bedroom and escaped to the outside world. They put my face all over the news a couple hours later and it said "HAVE YOU SEEN THIS PRESIDENT?" and they said I had gone missing, but the joke was on them! I was relaxing at a local Burger King, sipping what the man behind the counter described as a "sperm-contaminated milkshake," when the police burst through the door, fired three rounds into the guy behind the front desk, threw me into the back of my Official Super Presidential Limo and drove me back to the White House.

Later on the news they found out that the man they shot in the Burger King was really innocent but they covered it up by linking him to an unknown murder in Wyoming from five years ago. Granted, he was 12 at the time of the murder, but oh well.

So that's how my life has gone recently. Now you all know why I haven't been able to update as much. But this Georgey will keep you informed from now on, with Burger King as my witness I will deliver thy goods! As the Lord Jesus (might) have said: "Keep truckin'!"

Love,

- The Prez