Monday, October 03, 2005

People Who Should Be Dead (And Some Who Are)

Yee-ha,

George here. (President Bush to my friends, and Master of the Universe to peasants and black satanists.) Last night Barbra finally got out of the hospital from that nasty incident involving bed, the window and the cement outside the White House (see previous MySpace article for more information on Laura's mistakes).

Well, her nagging on the way back from the hospital drove me crazy, so I started concentrating real hard on people I hate. After five seconds my mind went blank because I can't think for more than five seconds at a time, but I did come up with these names a few hours later.

These definitions/summaries are taken straight from my favorite website, Wikipedia.org (well it's not really my favorite website but it's good for looking up porn stars' names).

So, without further a-doo-doo:

GEORGE W. BUSH PRESENTS
10 PEOPLE WHO SHOULD BE DEAD
(AND SOME WHO ALREADY ARE AND JUST TEE ME OFF)
(#'s 10 - 7 Because I'm Too Lazy to Write Alot)
10. DICK CLARK
Richard Wagstaff Clark (born November 30, 1821 - 1900), more commonly known as Dickey, is an Robot television entertainer. In addition to his television work, he is known for his continued youthful appearance ("America's Oldest Fart") and has been in good health, but suffered his first stroke in 1924. He also died in 1900 aboard the Titanic's sister fleet, The Big Ol' Bastard. Five hundred million people drowned on that fateful day...but it was covered up by the government.

Dick Clark is today a human-looking robotic organism (similar to The Terminator). During the day he hosts his own TV shows, and during the evenings goes on mad killing sprees and says "I'll be back" a lot.
THE PREZ SAYS: This man is evil because he is old. Old people...they give me the creeps. One day I was walking my imaginary dog, Poochy. Dick Clark tried to molest me. At least I think it was Dick Clark. Maybe it was Oprah Winfrey. Which brings me to my next person:
9. OPRAH WINFREY
Oprah Gail Winfrey (born January 29, 1954 in Kosciusko, Mississippi) is one of the most successful poopy heads in the United States. She is currently involved in many business ventures, but is most identified with her massively popular and eponymous shit show. She is currently ranked as the most powerful celebrity by Forbes magazine, because she's black and has money. She also likes to suck the cock.
She is friends with Tom Cruise (or is that Rosie O'Donnell?) which means she is stupid, because Tom Cruise is stupid too.
Trivia Note: She lied about her age. She was actually born in 1921, and I'm happy to report she looks her age.
Retrieved from "http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oprah_Winfrey"
THE PREZ SAYS: She tried to molest me and looks like a big ol' darn chimpanzee. 'Nuff said, as the ho-bee-yatches say.
8. TOM CRUISE
Tom Cruise (born Thomas Cruise Mapother IV July 3, 1962 in Syracuse, New York, USA) is an American actor and producer who has starred in a number of top-grossing (read: shitty) movies. His first leading role in a blockbuster movie was in 1983's Risky Business. It was good because it had tits. (And not Cruise's.)
[edit]

Biography
Cruise was born to Thomas Cruise Mapother III and Mary Lee Pfeiffer. (No relation to Michelle...at least I hope not because that would be gross since I fantasize about her every day.)
The very first Mapother's were Welsh immigrants to the United States. Cruise also has German ancestry from his paternal great-grandparents, William Reibert and Charlotta Louise Voelker. He tried to pay respect to the conflicts his ancestors went through by starring in Far and Away, but because he's a dumbass he didn't realize Irish people have to sound Irish in order to be convincing.
He believes in Scientology because he is a weirdo, and he's now engaged to Katie "Jail Bait" Holmes. They enjoy candelit strolls on the table, romantic evenings over the beach, playing Yahtzee, discussing which one of them is prettier, and smiling at each other incessantly in between piggyback rides.
P.S. Cruise is a gaywad.
Retrieved from "http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_Cruise"
THE PREZ SAYS: You may have seen Mr. Cruise (a.k.a. Stupid Head) mentioned in my other "Ten People..." list from earlier this year. I hate to sound like I'm reiterating (hee-hee I used a tyranosaurus to look up new words!) myself but I can't express how much I hate this man. Mainly because he got to boink Nicole Kidman and didn't even appreciate it because he's a homosexual (a.k.a. The Devil's Steamy Gay Hot Sex Fans). Please ignore him and boycott all movies at all costs. (Yes, even Everybody Loves Rain Man.)
Well that's it for now because I'm bored. I'll finish my list later. I've gotta go watch Clueless. Hee-hee, that movie is funny!!

Sunday, October 02, 2005

The Satan's Secret Infiltration of Our Children's Minds: The Attack of Tom and His Myspace Demons

Howdy all,

Long time no talk. I know, I know, it's been a while...I've been out of the game too long. It's just so darned busy here at the White House. I've got all these gee-dee people (gotta be sure not to say the real word!) on my back about Hurricane Katrina, or as I call it, The Little Thing Everybody Blew Out of Pruportion. I've got Dick's Cheney having all these gee-dilly-dee heart attacks, the economy failing (or so my secret service agent told me last week before he tried to strangle me to death), the death of all these soldiers and citizens in Iraq, and on top of all this, Laura is mad at me again because I picked my toes over the Oval Office desk. Geez, Laura baby, you can't have your cake and eat it, too! You get the Bush man or you get the door! Simple as that, you crazy nag! (Dick Cheney's Editorialistic Note: Dear Laura, please ignore this slandering, he didn't mean it; will you let him in the bathroom now? C'mon, it was just a joke!)

So to help vent my frustration yesterday, I went and killed a man with my bare hands. Just kidding. That would be evil and Satanistic.

Which brings me to my next topic:

THE DEVIL'S ADVOCATE
TheTrue Story ofTom and MySpace.com
You may have seen that movie from last year that starred Robert De Niro and Keanu Reeves called The Devil's Advocate. Well, let me tell you folks, life imitates art all right - this story has now come true.
If you have a nice healthy Christian mind like me, you are probably obliverus to the evil of The Internet (a.k.a. "The Satan's Spawning Pool of Filthy Steamy Gay Hot Sex"). Well, out of curiosity, I happened to use the Internet last night because I had pictures to look at on a website. You see this kind Christian man named Abdul Jamal Arafata emailed me and wrote (in caps, which means it's important):
DEAR BROTHER IN CHRIST,
HELLO, MY NAME IS ABDUL JAMAL ARAFATA. MY SISTAR ABDULLA JAMAL ARAFATA WAS YESTERDAY TAKEN HOUSE INTO BY GORILLAS. SHE BEING HELD FOR RANSOM IS. TAKE A LOOK AT THESE PICTURES OF ABDUL'S SISTER PLEASE, I NEED MONEY TO FREE HER FROM GORILLAS. YOU WIRE MONEY TO SWISS BANK ACCOUNT, YES? I PAY YOU SOME MONEY FROM HER SAFETY RETURN. THANK YOU KIND BROTHER,
SINCERELY YOUR BROTHER IN CHRIST,
- ABDUL JAMAL ARAFATA
Now how am I expected to let down another brother in Christ? I readily accepted my brother Jamal's offers to see his sisters and her gorilla captives. Unfortunately when I clicked open the images my eyes were blinded by the Filth of Satan before me. There, on the screen, was indeed a picture of a girl and three gorillas. What they were doing I cannot say, nor even reference as just thinking of it gives me the willies. (Literally and figuratively.)
I told my good friend Mr. Blackey (or, as you may know him, The White Black Man Whom Old Racist Women Like Despite His Conflicting Racial Coloring). Mr. Blackey said, "Oh, you mean you've been to my website?" I haven't spoken to him since.
Dick's Cheney was not in a good mood yesterday. I went into his bedroom in the White House to tell him what had happened but he was making weird noises again as I neared the door, groaning really loudly and talking to himself in his sleep, saying stuff like "Ohhh yeahhhh baby give it to me HARD." I knocked lightly and he woke up real quick. He screamed something at me I can't repeat and I laughed and ran away down the hall. I love waking up people when they're dreaming!!
When I got back to my room and changed into my nightie with the ponies on it, Laura was already waiting in bed but I told her I wasn't getting in until she assured me no more than 80% of her cleavage was being revealed, as anything under this limit is considered "The Work of the Devil Trying to Make My Special Place Go Hard." I met Drew Barrymore once. She was showing a lot of cleavage so I punched her square between her chest. She didn't feel a thing because her huge cleavage just made my first bounce back into my own face. I hate The Devil's Funbags, they are only there to tempt men into thinking unpure thoughts. Now, waging war in foreign countries and slaughtering thousands of innocent people is fine. Just don't let me be seeing any of the doo-doo in your goo-goo, if you know what I'm saying, ladies! (And if you don't, then you're hereby sentenced to two life sentences in the George W. Bush Naughty Devil Baby-Making Act Rehabilitation Center.)
So what was I saying?
Oh yeah. Laura refused to put on the rain coat I bought her to wear to bed, so I said to her (and I really showed her - guys listen up, this is how you put what the blacks call a "bee-yatch" into her place!), "I am not going to bed until you put on this rain coat - and that's final!" She disagreed again so I threw her out the window and went downstairs to get back onto the computer.
Out of anger at having seen the blinding pictures earlier, I did a Googly search for "sick people who post naked pictures and how to convince the Supreme Court to kill them." It brought up a website called MYSPACE.com.
I clicked on it. The filth instantly blinded my eyes.
Nothing but a bunch of sexy (!) women in bikinis (!) advertising their bodies (!) to men, and excited men, too, if you know what I'm saying... (hint hint, nudge nudge).
MySpace is the equivalent of selling one's body on the street like a darned whore. (I later told Laura it would suit her perfectly.)
The owner of the site, Tom, is their pimp. I sent Tom a message. It read:
A MESSAGE FROM THE PRESIDENT
Dear Tom,
Please shut down your site immediately before I have my secret service agents kill you.
Thanks,
- The President
Tom wrote back an hour later. Here is his message:
Dear Mr. President,
Fuck off kindly.
Thanks,
- Tom (P.S. I'm gay)
Granted, he didn't actually say he was gay. Nor did he necessarily send me this message (I might have imagined it). But he probably wanted to send it to me. He looks like a flaming homo, and you know how much I hate their kind. (Always trying to touch my bum and arching their eyebrows at me...or maybe it was at Dick's Cheney. But I'm better looking so it had to have been me.)
Folks, Tom is the Devil and MySpace is his source of spreading evil. He is ruining our children's minds with his pornographic images (I hate to use the word... *shudder*) and sexy hexy innuendi.
In the words of this humble President...
I'M SHUTTING THE GEE-DEE SITE DOWN!
Tom, listen up: This is for you.
To quote my hero Al De Niro, "Buddy...you are going down. Down to Chinatown with Jack Nicholson, baby!"*
* Note: I added the Chinatown bit.