Sunday, October 02, 2005

The Satan's Secret Infiltration of Our Children's Minds: The Attack of Tom and His Myspace Demons

Howdy all,

Long time no talk. I know, I know, it's been a while...I've been out of the game too long. It's just so darned busy here at the White House. I've got all these gee-dee people (gotta be sure not to say the real word!) on my back about Hurricane Katrina, or as I call it, The Little Thing Everybody Blew Out of Pruportion. I've got Dick's Cheney having all these gee-dilly-dee heart attacks, the economy failing (or so my secret service agent told me last week before he tried to strangle me to death), the death of all these soldiers and citizens in Iraq, and on top of all this, Laura is mad at me again because I picked my toes over the Oval Office desk. Geez, Laura baby, you can't have your cake and eat it, too! You get the Bush man or you get the door! Simple as that, you crazy nag! (Dick Cheney's Editorialistic Note: Dear Laura, please ignore this slandering, he didn't mean it; will you let him in the bathroom now? C'mon, it was just a joke!)

So to help vent my frustration yesterday, I went and killed a man with my bare hands. Just kidding. That would be evil and Satanistic.

Which brings me to my next topic:

THE DEVIL'S ADVOCATE
TheTrue Story ofTom and MySpace.com
You may have seen that movie from last year that starred Robert De Niro and Keanu Reeves called The Devil's Advocate. Well, let me tell you folks, life imitates art all right - this story has now come true.
If you have a nice healthy Christian mind like me, you are probably obliverus to the evil of The Internet (a.k.a. "The Satan's Spawning Pool of Filthy Steamy Gay Hot Sex"). Well, out of curiosity, I happened to use the Internet last night because I had pictures to look at on a website. You see this kind Christian man named Abdul Jamal Arafata emailed me and wrote (in caps, which means it's important):
DEAR BROTHER IN CHRIST,
HELLO, MY NAME IS ABDUL JAMAL ARAFATA. MY SISTAR ABDULLA JAMAL ARAFATA WAS YESTERDAY TAKEN HOUSE INTO BY GORILLAS. SHE BEING HELD FOR RANSOM IS. TAKE A LOOK AT THESE PICTURES OF ABDUL'S SISTER PLEASE, I NEED MONEY TO FREE HER FROM GORILLAS. YOU WIRE MONEY TO SWISS BANK ACCOUNT, YES? I PAY YOU SOME MONEY FROM HER SAFETY RETURN. THANK YOU KIND BROTHER,
SINCERELY YOUR BROTHER IN CHRIST,
- ABDUL JAMAL ARAFATA
Now how am I expected to let down another brother in Christ? I readily accepted my brother Jamal's offers to see his sisters and her gorilla captives. Unfortunately when I clicked open the images my eyes were blinded by the Filth of Satan before me. There, on the screen, was indeed a picture of a girl and three gorillas. What they were doing I cannot say, nor even reference as just thinking of it gives me the willies. (Literally and figuratively.)
I told my good friend Mr. Blackey (or, as you may know him, The White Black Man Whom Old Racist Women Like Despite His Conflicting Racial Coloring). Mr. Blackey said, "Oh, you mean you've been to my website?" I haven't spoken to him since.
Dick's Cheney was not in a good mood yesterday. I went into his bedroom in the White House to tell him what had happened but he was making weird noises again as I neared the door, groaning really loudly and talking to himself in his sleep, saying stuff like "Ohhh yeahhhh baby give it to me HARD." I knocked lightly and he woke up real quick. He screamed something at me I can't repeat and I laughed and ran away down the hall. I love waking up people when they're dreaming!!
When I got back to my room and changed into my nightie with the ponies on it, Laura was already waiting in bed but I told her I wasn't getting in until she assured me no more than 80% of her cleavage was being revealed, as anything under this limit is considered "The Work of the Devil Trying to Make My Special Place Go Hard." I met Drew Barrymore once. She was showing a lot of cleavage so I punched her square between her chest. She didn't feel a thing because her huge cleavage just made my first bounce back into my own face. I hate The Devil's Funbags, they are only there to tempt men into thinking unpure thoughts. Now, waging war in foreign countries and slaughtering thousands of innocent people is fine. Just don't let me be seeing any of the doo-doo in your goo-goo, if you know what I'm saying, ladies! (And if you don't, then you're hereby sentenced to two life sentences in the George W. Bush Naughty Devil Baby-Making Act Rehabilitation Center.)
So what was I saying?
Oh yeah. Laura refused to put on the rain coat I bought her to wear to bed, so I said to her (and I really showed her - guys listen up, this is how you put what the blacks call a "bee-yatch" into her place!), "I am not going to bed until you put on this rain coat - and that's final!" She disagreed again so I threw her out the window and went downstairs to get back onto the computer.
Out of anger at having seen the blinding pictures earlier, I did a Googly search for "sick people who post naked pictures and how to convince the Supreme Court to kill them." It brought up a website called MYSPACE.com.
I clicked on it. The filth instantly blinded my eyes.
Nothing but a bunch of sexy (!) women in bikinis (!) advertising their bodies (!) to men, and excited men, too, if you know what I'm saying... (hint hint, nudge nudge).
MySpace is the equivalent of selling one's body on the street like a darned whore. (I later told Laura it would suit her perfectly.)
The owner of the site, Tom, is their pimp. I sent Tom a message. It read:
A MESSAGE FROM THE PRESIDENT
Dear Tom,
Please shut down your site immediately before I have my secret service agents kill you.
Thanks,
- The President
Tom wrote back an hour later. Here is his message:
Dear Mr. President,
Fuck off kindly.
Thanks,
- Tom (P.S. I'm gay)
Granted, he didn't actually say he was gay. Nor did he necessarily send me this message (I might have imagined it). But he probably wanted to send it to me. He looks like a flaming homo, and you know how much I hate their kind. (Always trying to touch my bum and arching their eyebrows at me...or maybe it was at Dick's Cheney. But I'm better looking so it had to have been me.)
Folks, Tom is the Devil and MySpace is his source of spreading evil. He is ruining our children's minds with his pornographic images (I hate to use the word... *shudder*) and sexy hexy innuendi.
In the words of this humble President...
I'M SHUTTING THE GEE-DEE SITE DOWN!
Tom, listen up: This is for you.
To quote my hero Al De Niro, "Buddy...you are going down. Down to Chinatown with Jack Nicholson, baby!"*
* Note: I added the Chinatown bit.

1 Comments:

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October 2, 2005 at 2:08 PM  

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